For people who suffer from mental health disorders, goal-setting, prioritizing, and all the tasks related to life planning and high functioning, can seem overwhelming. If you look too closely at the big picture, you may feel that your goals are unattainable. I have noticed that many parents, not just parents with depression et al., struggle with five main areas of functioning: Framework, Fitness, Focus, Finances, and Fun.

These areas of functioning flow into each other in a cycle (hey, another cycle, just what the bipolar parents need). Each area builds on the others, making the whole stronger.

The Framework is your system of organization, routine, and scheduling that helps you to identify priorities, goals, and tasks, and plan out your day. Constructing a strong framework will help you to find the time in your day for Fitness.

Fitness will help give you the energy you need to keep up with the work and, together with your Framework, will help you to Focus.

Focus improves our ability to perform tasks well and keep track of what has already been accomplished and what remains to be done.

Once you have Framework, Fitness, and Focus, it is easier to identify problems and troubleshoot them--you will have your priorities set, the ability to create an action list, and the endurance and drive to look for solutions to increasingly complicated issues. This groundwork is necessary for the fourth area of functioning, Finance. Many families are broken apart because of financial insecurity and arguments around money. Do not underestimate the power of financial security in mental health and building strong families. I do not mean accumulating wealth, I mean knowing how much money is coming in, how much is being spent, when it is being spent, on what it is being spent, and perhaps most importantly, WHY it is being spent. Eventually, it can lead to saving and accumulating wealth, or it can mean cutting back on unnecessary expenses or seeking other sources of income. In all cases it means being honest with oneself and not avoiding bills, debt, or spending like there's no tomorrow. Bipolar parents, this is an especially important lesson for you, since many of us struggle with managing money during bouts of mania or depression.

If you're physically unhealthy, you will be mentally unhealthy and unable to maintain your framework. For many of us, no plan means no focus and no function. For many of us, it leads to financial problems which increase our mental health problems exponentially and can hamstring our later attempts to seek help. Without a functioning system, there will be little enjoyment of life, no Fun; depressive episodes increase in frequency and duration.

I am not saying that if you just have a system, that you will suddenly be cured and never have a care in the world, but what I am saying is that good mental health thrives in the right environment. An environment that is organized and fit will certainly encourage functioning, and help you marshal resources when you're having a downswing.

What does 2008 have in store for any of us? No one can truly know for certain, so we have to try to plan for many contingencies and simply prepare our minds and bodies for whatever rigors of life we may encounter.

and I did it. Yes I did. I made it to the lobby of my building, set my bike against the marble wall, declared to no one in particular that I was going to faint, sat on the stairs and passed out.

I woke up and tried to dial 9-1-1 on my cell phone, but the battery died. I kept half losing consciousness and I couldn't concentrate. A neighbor stopped next to me and asked me if I was okay and I said "no." He called an ambulance and while he was gone my body started to cramp.

My entire body. My hands, my feet, my legs, my abs...when the paramedics arrived I was starting to panic that I was going to die, laying there on my front stoop, all because of that STUPID BIKE.

I had heat exhaustion and was severely dehydrated, so they hooked me up to an IV (after laughing at my attempts to dial 9-1-1 with an extra 1, which I thought was unkind) and took me to the hospital. My boyfriend at the time met me at the hospital and didn't even drive me home, he made me walk when they released me. I would have taken a cab, but nice neighbor kept my personal items, like my wallet and bike, so nothing would get lost or stolen. The topper was that I had my last day at an old job Friday, started my new job on Monday, but had the hospitalization on Saturday...one of two days I was uninsured. My last words to the exit interviewer at my old job was "what could happen over the weekend?" I had to pay for it all out of my pocket.

I refused to look at that bike for years but the truth is that it wasn't the bike, it was me. I was prime weight, healthy, and young, and I still ended up in the hospital, so what went wrong? I blamed the bike but in reality there were other important contributing factors. I should have just walked the hill and worked my way up to biking the whole thing. It's easy to bite off more than you can chew in one bite, so learn to take more than one.

Trying new things is hard! It's really easy to be angry at ourselves, and become depressed that we can't be anything and everything to everyone and anyone at any given time. I was so determined to get up that hill that I didn't think about the fact that I hadn't eaten breakfast, exercised in the heat, hydrated myself with water, or really biked before. Context is important because it affects outcome. Failure in that context is hardly failure. What's important is that we learn from our mistakes and learn not to set ourselves up for failure.

If you make a commitment to do something new and then find that you can't achieve your goal right away, don't get discouraged. Breaking patterns is hard. Many of us are paralyzed by self-defeating behavior--we tell ourselves and others "I can't." It's easy to think in terms of "can't," but try to change your thinking into terms of "yet." The real truth is not that I can't do it but that I can't do it YET. I can't break this pattern YET. I can't renegotiate my circumstances YET.

It's important to realistically assess circumstances so you can effect the changes you need in order to change can't to can. Don't try to master the hill in one day.

I head out to the only store open before the sun is up, which is the friendly neighborhood QuikCheck. I pay $10 for a small box of Cheerios and head back home. Enter: Perspective.

No matter that I am tired, bitter about the cost of cereal and having to run a bath at an unholy hour. As I hit the rotary near my house, and I am waiting for some cars to pass, I am hit with a wave of shame. I woke up to two healthy, happy children this morning. I woke to a husband who promised to take the next shift when I returned from the store and I awoke to sleepy, wagging tails.

I did not awaken to the need to dial 9-1-1. My prayers go out to the family following the Advanced Paramedic Life Support unit this morning. I am content with my slice of humble pie this beautiful Sunday morning.

I developed asthma in my last trimester and, like with my last pregnancy, I developed gestational diabetes as well. At my last appointment the baby was breech though it appears that this week he has turned.

There were too many strikes against me for anyone to really promote a VBAC, so the c-section stands. If I go into labor beforehand, and the baby doesn't turn again, they will let me try to deliver naturally. Otherwise, on May 2nd, the bun is coming out of the oven.

I've had a lot of grief this whole pregnancy, from the severe, depleting morning sickness, to insurance changes, to changing obstetricians at almost 30 weeks, to the asthma, and now diabetes. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and frankly, I'm looking well-worn around the edge and kind of haggard. Noticing this, my doctor has placed me on almost immediate disability. They almost set it up so I couldn't return to work tomorrow, but relented and set the date for Monday instead; Friday will be my last day until I return to work in July.

I am so glad that disability programs exist. I am seriously perilously close to having a meltdown from sheer mental and emotional exhaustion, not to mention physical exhaustion and discomfort and pain, so the disability is really coming in the nick of time.

I hope to be around some during my leave but obviously, a new baby is a big deal, so I may be brief. Or I may ramble, who knows?

Wish us luck!

All I could think of were the cravings I have had with each of my pregnancies, even though I haven't smoked in over six years. I smoked cigarettes for many years; after many failed attempts, I managed to quit in 2000. With each of my pregnancies, one of my first trimester symptoms was an overwhelming craving for...cigarettes. I almost set out for a gas station at 2am with this pregnancy, before I realized I was pregnant, because the urge to smoke was so strong. Brain chemistry is a funky thing.

Hormones are strong chemicals and they affect us more than we know. With my pregnancies I have craved cigarettes, drugs I have never done in my life, and meat which I hadn't eaten in ten years. Not to mention all the sugary foods I never used to eat, like cake and cookies, because I never liked the taste or texture, or the tuna fish sandwiches I had for breakfast almost every day for a month.

During my first pregnancy, the hormones swung my moods into the realm of normal for the whole pregnancy. I was not only not the stereotypical moody pregnant woman, I felt almost cured of my bipolar disorder. This pregnancy has been the exact opposite, I haven't felt this unstable in almost 10 years. Some people feel that hormonal affects are exaggerated, that PMS is not really all that bad and that women play it up, either for slack or sympathy. Those of us with true mental health disorders may notice how real the affects of hormones can be, how strongly and quickly it can change you. When you are dealing with comorbid issues, like trying to kick an addiction, these hormones can sabotage every effort of what is already a very difficult process. To me, it is no wonder this woman is struggling.

The sacrifice comment got to me because it really reminded me that failure is inevitable. Every parent is human. For some people, this fact leads them to have more compassion for their own parents. For many it will inspire them to try harder, but the reality is that in some arena, at some time, we will ALL FAIL as parents. We will all make a wrong choice, we will all make mistakes, we will all have to back pedal and hey, that's what happens when these kids don't come one-size-fits-all and with a manual.

For those of us with serious depression or bipolar disorder, or anxiety disorder, it becomes not an issue of "won't" but an issue of CAN'T. What we have to try to do is remember a few key things. The world doesn't spin off its axis and fall out of orbit simply because we make a mistake. More often than not, we have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, learn from the error, commit to avoiding that outcome in the future, and FORGIVE and move on.

What is really important to remember is to never stop trying. "Can't" is often a temporary state of affairs. I like to qualify it with "... right now." Just because I can't right now, doesn't mean I couldn't tomorrow. Or the day after, so I try, and keep trying, and failing, and getting up and trying again until it sticks because it's been my experience that most of the time, it eventually sticks and "can't" becomes "can." When you're at the "can't" wall, it can be demoralizing to hear people accuse you of not loving your child and telling you all about how your life no longer matters, it's all about your child. Don't let "can't" turn into "won't" and your chance of success improves dramatically.

None of us strive, or should strive, to be selfish people and I bet that most of us feel that urge to put our child's needs above our own, but the opposite of selfish is not selfless. It is especially important not to lose yourself in your children when you are up against a manic or depressed tendency. MAINTAINING your self, your sense of self, will be what helps you make better decisions and take care of your responsibilities. Sometimes this means that you set boundaries that counter the immediate interests or desires of your child. It's all a part of long-term cost/benefit analysis.

The fact is that there will come a time in your life where you will find yourself unwilling or unable to sacrifice for your child or discover that your martyrdom served you ill and your children will not thank you for it, nor be improved by it.

The thing to remember as parents is to try. Always to try. The people who fail most are the people who refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem or the people who refuse help for it. If you reach out for help and continue to try (and fail) then really, you're doing the best you can and that's all that any of us can hope to do. Just try our best.

I am an impatient, know-it-all, Type A, control-freak who often has to deal with people who are also control-freaks. The problem that I have is that those people often know that they are asking me to do something that goes against policy, procedure, process, or best practices but because that's what they want, I have to deliver.

I often find this difficult to swallow. I am not so much a perfectionist as I am extremely protective of my values and work ethic, and of the best practices that are tried and true because they make sense, are cost-effective, and save time. I am not an office-politics player and frankly, I don't really play nice with other children that well either. I work best independently or in a position of authority where my experience is respected.

I think that accountability is important, professionally and personally, and anything that blurs the line between who is accountable is, to me, a bad idea. Not because I like to point fingers and lay blame, but because no one grows by not owning their mistakes or by owning someone else's mistakes.

Unfortunately, my personality often causes me to come off as aggressive, intimidating, or occasionally even hostile and uncooperative. Usually, by the time it gets to that point, it's been identified that I am dealing with a difficult person or situation. Unfortunately, fighting fire with fire is not always the best course of action.

The problem is that I don't really see a good way to put out the fire. It is not in my nature to simply roll over and give in to every flight of fancy someone else gets in their head. I don't like to say no, but usually requests are reasonable and when they are not, usually the requestor is reasonable and understands why the request shouldn't be accommodated. I am in a unique situation these days where the request is unreasonable and the requestor is unreasonable and I am stuck having to disagree and commit far more often than I like.

My strategy for this, at present, is actually to do one thing: I signed up for a class that is required for my major anyway. It's called Conflict Resolution and Team Dynamics and I think that it should be useful both personally and professionally. I have some high hopes for it and will be sharing what I learn as I learn it.

I can't say that I feel particularly motivated to learn how to deal with difficult people since my true feeling is that they should just ask for reasonable things, ha ha, but given that this is not going to be a theme that goes away, and will be relevant my whole life, personally and through the course of my career, I think it's as good a time as any to look into better ways to handle these kinds of situations.

I am a procrastinator. As a bipolar parent and someone who struggles to be high-functioning without medication, it's really important to me that I learn better coping mechanisms for procrastination and related avoidance behaviors. The above quote was a statement that stood out for me in an online academic skills article I read recently about procrastination.

I grew up a child of chaos. There was little constancy in my life for certain kinds of things and I was in charge of myself very young. As a result, I never really developed the good habits that help people get through the day and keep on top of things in their life that must be done...even simple things, like brushing my teeth every night before bedtime.

As capable a person as I am, I have always suffered from feeling easily overwhelmed by situations, which was exacerbated by being put in situations over my head very often as a child. I learned to fend for myself early, but am only learning now as an adult how to be truly independent. I am easily mentally fatigued and my favorite way of dealing with a problem or chore is avoidance; often as a child I developed headaches or stomach aches from the stress of worrying about the problem or chore, so managed to avoid it by making myself sick.

One remedy for this build-up has been to write down exactly what task I must accomplish, breaking it down into a task list instead of an ominous amorphous heading on a piece of paper. I cannot make a list full of phrases like "cook dinner" because the concept of dinner is sometimes too complex for me to process without more detail. We often eat out because of this problem. Instead, on my list I write:

go to grocery store and buy whole, cut up chicken, lemon, broccoli, and rice
Start dinner at 5pm--baked lemon chicken with rice and steamed broccoli
5:45 pm, Start rice
6pm, steam broccoli
Dinner by 6:15pm!

If I don't break down the task "cook dinner" in this way, I will stare at the paper and wonder what I should cook for dinner and by the time I decide, I will realize I have no ingredients I need, it's too late to go to the store, damn, I've waited too long and now it's too late to cook, what can we get for takeout?

Because I am not familiar with these very simple domestic routines, I find them overwhelming because of their alienness. I am frustrated by my lack of know-how, by the lack of reflex. So many women just walk into the kitchen and cook dinner on schedule without giving it a second thought. I become paralyzed by my lack of basic habit and skill.

I had similar issues with my son when he became a toddler but was not yet verbal. I became frustrated with my lack of knowledge of what to do with a child his age and I often avoided activities because I felt lost and out of control, completely ignorant. This frustration and ignorance ultimately is what culminated in enrolling him in daycare, partly so that he could get the stimulation he needed, but partly also so that I could learn from his providers what THEY do to challenge, stimulate, and entertain these children, not to mention discipline and set boundaries.

If I don't know how to do something, I won't try it and this leads to avoidance, often on a grand scale. Long-term avoidance, for me, can lead to bigger issues like agoraphobia, where I can avoid something enough that I don't leave the house for a week, or I become stressed out by the idea of speaking to someone on the phone. My biggest foil for this issue is to find someone who knows how to do it and get them to teach me how to do it. The great thing about the online world is that you can find a teacher just about anywhere with a few clicks. If I can manage to feel capable, then the problem seems much smaller and surmountable.

I also find it helps to break one task into many smaller tasks so I can pinpoint exactly what it is that I find I cannot do or what it is I find so onerous so that I can find a way to fix my attitude about it. Often, one task is really five tasks and I can do four of them easily or quickly. It's usually one small piece that causes the grief.

The article really got me thinking about my habits and motivations and if you tend to suffer from some of these issues, and this is quite common among bipolar or depressed folks, I have noticed, then look into this topic.

"Dr. Martin Seligman is Chairman of the University of Pennsylvania Positive Psychology Center and founder of Positive Psychology, a new branch of psychology which focuses on the empirical study of such things as positive emotions, strengths-based character, and healthy institutions. His research has demonstrated that it is possible to be happier — to feel more satisfied, to be more engaged with life, find more meaning, have higher hopes, and probably even laugh and smile more, regardless of one’s circumstances. Positive psychology interventions can also lastingly decrease depression symptoms. The research underlying these rigorously tested interventions is presented in the July/August edition of the American Psychologist, the journal of the American Psychology Association."

Now, my interest in this site sparked because of the questionnaires it offers, but the idea behind the site is interesting and theoretically, I am on board but I must warn that I have not extensively studied the site and cannot therefore endorse it, per se. But feel free to email me what you think at lunasmom at luna-fish dot com.

I am bipolar, I write a blog about bipolar parenting. I would not count my childhood as a happy one, and my adolescence could probably be characterized as "angry" or "tumultuous." My first year of college saw a complete breakdown of my ability to function without external stimuli to force my feet on a particular path and I cycled through moods wildly.

For a while I tried medication and it was determined that my form of bipolar disorder is medication resistant. I am very sensitive to drugs in general and could never manage to find the panacea to normality that some manic-depressives discover. I decided to stop the medications and make changes to my life instead, to try to learn to manage my cycles with mindfulness.

After a series of bad interpersonal relationships, I embarked on a self-help kick that started out as an effort to get out of the house more and get more exercise. I joined a martial arts class near my house. I had several crying jags in the middle of class that stymied my instructors, but the instructor in charge always said "let her work it out, she's got something to work out" and I did.

My instructors pointed out how I avoided eye contact; like a typical New Yorker, I walked with my head down and took eye contact like a wild animal, like a form of aggression. I was defensive, overly sensitive, hyperaware of body language, and I looked for the insult in everything. I had friends tell me that I picked up on things other people ignored in order to survive: eye rolls, facial expressions, little things other people glaze over, I stopped to pick apart and analyze, all in an effort to protect myself from harm.

With my instructors I worked on making eye contact--that simple exercise, of being forced to look someone in the eye while speaking made a huge difference in my life. I had no idea I had low self esteem, I was always a very loud and boisterous person. My instructors always picked me to speak to people at demonstrations, because they knew that talking to strangers set me outside of my comfort zone. They used me as the target in demos because they knew having all eyes on me was outside of my comfort zone. They forced me to analyze, acknowledge, and then challenge my comfort zone, every day.

I went from wanting other people to make all my decisions, to setting goals, real, attainable, measurable goals, in two years. I learned how to function in ways I didn't even realize were dysfunctional before. From no longer avoiding take out because I didn't want to have to give an order over the phone, to advocating for myself at work, to speaking up for myself in abusive situations...I had all unknowingly changed my perspective regarding my sense of self, and improved a self-esteem I didn't know was damaged, in the span of two years. I met my husband, have a family, go to school part-time (for free), and work full time. I negotiated with my job for the things I need to be happy and I GOT them. I went from quiet despair over my life and feeling out of control, to feeling empowered, capable, and yes, like maybe the glass is half full if you want to look at it that way.

Optimists can be made at any point in life if a person can identify and overcome the thought patterns that cause negativity. Some people never get there, some people don't want to. For a long time I thought happiness was a weakness but now I know it's absolutely a strength. It took me almost 15 years of work to get to a point in my life where I can say yes, I am an optimist and I think that's still in good time.

I hurried out of bed to check on him. He wasn't anywhere loose in the house, so I checked his bedroom and there he lay, with his blanket wound around his head. My panic levels jump and I whip the blanket off his head, to find him wide-eyed and stammering "What? What? What was that noise???"

Poor kid. The power went out, the carbon monoxide detector made a "scary" noise, so he decided to hide in his room under his blanket. Then I come charging in and tear his blanket off, probably looking slightly crazed too. I was so relieved but then I felt bad for his traumatic morning. I told him not to wrap his blanket around his head and coaxed him back out of his room.

He was obviously feeling a little fragile today. When it was time to get him out the door to daycare, he was crying about something, I'm not even sure what. He seemed so despondent, climbing the stairs to my office to say goodbye, that my first instinct was just "hold him." That's what I did, I got on my knees and I wrapped my arms around him, and I rubbed his back and told him it was okay. He sobbed out his story of woe, something about not wanting to cry in his room (I didn't say it was a coherent story of woe) and clung to me tightly. He was shaking and his grip was so tight, I decided that this was obviously just what he needed so that's what I told him.

"Sometimes a hug is all you need, right?"

His sobbing stopped; he held me tightly and then quietly he said "Yeah."

"Mama, can I just stand here wif you?"

"Yes pumpkin."

"I just want you to hold me."

"OK pumpkin, then that's what I will do."

and that's what I did.

All the craziness of the morning, waking up late, discovering the power outage, tracking down my son, getting him ready for school late, trying to get through my conference call without email access and find a way to reset my equipment in the office so I could get back online...it all melted away in that moment. In that moment, all I felt was the peace of a mom who was needed by a tiny, clinging, shaking little boy who was having a Bad Day. All I felt was the peace of someone who was loved.

When I was growing up, my dad pushed me away. He pushed me out of his lap, he kept physical distance between us. He yelled at me when I sought physical affection from anyone, he taught me that it was an inappropriate intimacy. My mother reinforced this idea by being emotionally inaccessible my entire childhood. My earliest memories are of my mother smoking cigarettes in her bedroom, reading a book. It was never interacting with me.

My father taught me to associate touch with sex, and that sex was bad. I developed an apprehension about sex, and physical contact in general. It took me a long time to get over this aversion to physical contact. I had many boyfriends in high school with whom I refused to hold hands and I was uncomfortable having an arm around me. I never hugged my friends, I was afraid of being labeled a lesbian or somehow giving them the impression that I wanted more than friendship.

As I grew older, I associated a desire for physical contact and affection with a desire for sexual intimacy, and so I became sexually active before I was really ready. My combined need for physical closeness and aversion to physical contact expressed itself as sexual dysfunction, which never stopped me from having sex, but certainly stopped me from enjoying it. It created a coldness between me and even my closest friends and always managed to help sabotage relationships. I was not promiscuous, I had several long-term relationships; i am and have always been a serial monogamer, probably in a quest to love myself by finding someone to love me.

I learned to appraise everyone in my life in terms of their potential as a mate or sexual partner. I didn't learn to stop doing this until I took steps towards mending my broken self-esteem. I slowly learned to appreciate physical contact, first with my cat, then with my closest friends. Eventually I worked out some of my issues through my martial arts class, where the contact is so obviously not sexual in nature. I became a little more casual about touching people because I had to touch and hit and block and throw people for hours; it was intimate, but definitely not sexual in any way.

My husband met me at the best time in my life to meet me. I was really healing, I was growing, my self-esteem was at an all-time high and I felt that I was grounded enough to want something because I wanted it not because I would get anything out of it, not because I was desperate for validation. I loved him because he was lovable and sweet and treats me like a partner and an equal, and not because I am desperate to be loved. I loved him for all the right reasons.

It's been a difficult battle for me, and I don't always win; I do often worry about propriety and sometimes I still cringe when I have to touch someone, but I have learned, through some really wonderful friends, my fantastic husband, and through increased self-confidence, that sometimes a hug is just a hug. I've learned, as a functional wife and as a mother, just what a joy a hug can be, how restorative human contact can be.

Now, I touch people a lot. I hug my husband, I run my hands through his hair, I fall asleep on his chest or his shoulder or his lap. I sleep curled up with my dogs (and find it harder to sleep in an empty bed). I stroke my son's nose or his cheek, I tousle his hair, I hold his hand, and I hug him as much as he wants or will allow. I hug my friends. I might do a little dance of anxiety beforehand, but I hug my in-laws too. I think it's important that I do that, because they have that place in my life.

Sometimes when I am sad or angry or agitated, I will just sit and pet and hug my dog. Sometimes when my son is mad, too mad to calm down on his own, I will hug him, and he will cry, and relax and let go. Like I told him, sometimes it really is just what you need; there's no explanation and there's no pep talk that can fix a problem like a hug.

We all need physical contact; learn how to hug and accept a hug. Start with a pet if you have to, start by talking it out in therapy if you must, or do what I did and take a martial arts class where you have to touch people, in a way that might not be as threatening. But learn, and then make sure you get steady doses from a willing partner. Sometimes, I don't even speak to my husband, I just fall into his arms and he will hold me for a little while. It's the best medicine.

Let's discuss goal-setting. Why do people set goals? Setting goals can help you improve productivity, reduce your stress and anxiety by channeling your energy into a plan of action, and improve your self-confidence. When you achieve goals, you grow happier, you grow more capable and self-sufficient, and the more your self-esteem will grow.

Goal-setting is a valuable skill, both in one's professional life but also in one's personal life. Parents should set goals to attain the things they need for their family's happiness and security. The goals can be physical, tangible things, or they can be intangible, such as resolving to communicate better as a family, find a method of positive discipline that works, or learning to be more accepting or open-minded. It can even be determining your own self-worth so that your family does not take advantage of you!

Categorizing your goals will help you break them down into manageable chunks and best determine a course of action for achieving them. Short-term goals are ones with a sense of urgency, typically must be achieved within a year's time, and can range in size from small to large. A short-term goal might be to find a new therapist or seek marriage counseling.

An intermediate goal, however, will take longer to achieve; for our purposes, let's say between one and five years. An intermediate goal might be to finish a college degree, or celebrate an anniversary of sobriety. Many goals that are immediately relevant to our lives will fall into this intermediate category, both personally and professionally.

Finally, long-term goals are often the hardest to plan for since they seem so far away and lack immediate relevance. Things like saving for retirement or college always feel like you have another year to put it off. Making plans now, however, will ease the anxiety of discovering you haven't planned well enough and help keep other goals in perspective. Do you need a flashy car with new rims now if it means you won't be able to afford a house in which to retire? Categorizing your goals will help you determine the best plan for achieving them.

Part of categorizing goals is determining whether they are smart goals.

http://www.topachievement.com/smart.html

SMART goals are:

Specific----Measurable----Attainable----Realistic----Tangible

"Specific - A specific goal has a much greater chance of being accomplished than a general goal. To set a specific goal you must answer the six "W" questions:

• Who: Who is involved?
• What: What do I want to accomplish?
• Where: Identify a location.
• When: Establish a time frame.
• Which: Identify requirements and constraints.
• Why: Specific reasons, purpose or benefits of accomplishing the goal.

EXAMPLE: A general goal would be, "Get in shape." But a specific goal would say, "Join a health club and workout 3 days a week."

Measurable - Establish concrete criteria for measuring progress toward the attainment of each goal you set. When you measure your progress, you stay on track, reach your target dates, and experience the exhilaration of achievement that spurs you on to continued effort required to reach your goal.

To determine if your goal is measurable, ask questions such as......How much? How many? How will I know when it is accomplished?

Attainable - When you identify goals that are most important to you, you begin to figure out ways you can make them come true. You develop the attitudes, abilities, skills, and financial capacity to reach them. You begin seeing previously overlooked opportunities to bring yourself closer to the achievement of your goals.

You can attain most any goal you set when you plan your steps wisely and establish a time frame that allows you to carry out those steps. Goals that may have seemed far away and out of reach eventually move closer and become attainable, not because your goals shrink, but because you grow and expand to match them. When you list your goals you build your self-image. You see yourself as worthy of these goals, and develop the traits and personality that allow you to possess them.

Realistic - To be realistic, a goal must represent an objective toward which you are both willing and able to work. A goal can be both high and realistic; you are the only one who can decide just how high your goal should be. But be sure that every goal represents substantial progress. A high goal is frequently easier to reach than a low one because a low goal exerts low motivational force. Some of the hardest jobs you ever accomplished actually seem easy simply because they were a labor of love.

Your goal is probably realistic if you truly believe that it can be accomplished. Additional ways to know if your goal is realistic is to determine if you have accomplished anything similar in the past or ask yourself what conditions would have to exist to accomplish this goal.

Tangible - A goal is tangible when you can experience it with one of the senses, that is, taste, touch, smell, sight or hearing. When your goal is tangible, or when you tie an tangible goal to a intangible goal, you have a better chance of making it specific and measurable and thus attainable.

Intangible goals are your goals for the internal changes required to reach more tangible goals. They are the personality characteristics and the behavior patterns you must develop to pave the way to success in your career or for reaching some other long-term goal. Since intangible goals are vital for improving your effectiveness, give close attention to tangible ways for measuring them." (Meyer, 2006.)

Take a moment this New Year and write down some SMART goals. Then, determine whether they are short-term, intermediate, or long-term. Doing this will help you develop a long range plan for finding the success in your life.

Some cautions/guides:

Set deadlines! Each goal should be timed, not just tangible or tied to something tangible. When do you want to achieve this goal? Decide when you will start the task and decide when you will finish. (Kaplan, 2006.)

Have a variety of goals. It's important not to channel your efforts toward only one goal or one type of goal. The idea is to achieve balance between all aspects of your life over the span of your life, from those urgent items that need immediate attention to those nagging long-term goals that will affect your livelihood later on. Work on finding a positive work-life balance and self-family/relationship balance. (Kaplan, 2006.)

Make your goals your own! Having others set goals for you, even well-meaning people like your parents, spouse, or friends, means your goals are not truly your own. Making your own goals means you will be fully committed to achieving them. (Kaplan, 2006.)

References:

Meyer, P. J. (2006.) "Creating S.M.A.R.T. Goals" Attitude Is Everything. Retrieved on January 1, 2007 from http://www.topachievement.com/smart.html

Kaplan University (2006.) "Goal Setting" Unit 3 handout from CS-113 Academic Strategies for Business

Let's discuss self-sabotage for a moment. When we think of working out issues in therapy, for many people it often means untangling the lines of smudged boundaries and chaotic emotions, and in particular it often means working out interpersonal relationships. I have been in abusive relationships and my first inclination is to talk to my counselor about how poorly I was treated and to have my feelings of being wronged validated. There's another step in the recovery process though, and that step is acknowledging that I play a role in the abuse. If I refuse to set and maintain appropriate boundaries in my personal relationships, then in a sense I am not adequately protecting myself and continue a pattern of inviting toxicity into my life. If I change the cycle by erecting and defending those boundaries, then I have become an active participant in my emotional health by accepting personal accountability. If I continue to justify helplessness or rationalize it, I will continue in the cycle.

I can think of few people who would relish the thought of hashing out their own self-sabotage--it takes some courage, some internal strength, and some self-esteem to stop trying to protect yourself long enough to allow yourself to heal and grow. Defense mechanisms are probably one of the biggest walls between a person and healing. Some walls are good, they serve as boundaries to protect our intimate selves, but some walls are counter-productive and rather than protective, they are isolating, divisive.

Dealing with toxic inter-personal relationships is a riot of defenses, walls, gnarled coping mechanisms, ambivalence, fear, and denial. We often have several choices of paths to take towards personal progress. Accepting our own personal role in our mental health (anger management and depression come immediately to mind) is not always one of the first things we think of when we think of getting well, especially if we are battling with family or friends who seem to make everything our fault. It is, however, often a large contributing factor to the tangle.

In an effort to feel better, many of us push back on the world around us to try to avoid the toll on self-esteem that accompanies acknowledgment of a mistake. We make our problems someone else's fault, rationalize our behavior, and cite other people or circumstances as justification for our own errors in judgment. In this world, two wrongs make a right.

While in the moment it may feel like a relief to absolve oneself of guilt, in the long-run it may sabotage your long-term efforts to recover mental balance. If you continually suffer from depression and feel like you get nowhere in therapy, perhaps it's time to examine whether you are hitting a wall because you are denying yourself personal accountability for your own health. Sometimes sheltering yourself from the accountability really means sheltering yourself from personal truths, meaning that you never learn the lessons you need to learn in order to make progress and move forward in life.

Of course, avoiding self-sabotage doesn't mean owning other peoples' emotional baggage or problems. It's entirely possible that your mother is a narcissistic person who does truly ruin family events in which she participates. It's up to you to decide not to permit the opportunity, or not to respond in a way that maximizes the negative impact. It's possible to swing too far in the personal accountability category, owning everything, martyring oneself. I personally see this as an act of passive aggression most of the time, but sometimes it's a sign of severe lack of self esteem. Working through these issues with an open mind and the help of a qualified mental health professional is key.

Well, I was getting a little concerned now, since I didn't actually SEE anything, so I stood up and walked around behind him to try to see from his perspective. That's when I figured out what "it" was.

I laughed as I turned to him and exclaimed "It's a sunbeam!" It was, in fact, three sunbeams with about a million motes of dust dancing in its light. They traveled the long distance from the small, high windows in our front door, angling in across the length of the living room and coming to rest out of his line of sight, on his pant leg and the floor behind him. He could see the dust, and to him it must have seemed ghostly, but he couldn't disperse it which he found slightly distressing.

His response? He looked at the ghostly light again. His gaze traveled its length to his pant leg, where he could see the bright beam come to rest. A mischievous grin spread across his little face and he said "OH! It IS a sunbeam. ... I LOVE sunbeams!" and then he proceeded to jump in and out of the sunbeams until he remembered his game and ran laughing and screaming from the room.

My lesson learned?

1) Stop to see things from your child's perspective and you will see things you couldn't see before.

2) Take the time to experience new things and explore the world with your children.

3) Don't be afraid of a few sunbeams.

Imposed inactivity can trigger low-grade depression, much like oversleeping can. The lack of structure and guidance, anxiety about whether the lull will lift, lethargy from inactivity, and maybe stress from guilty feelings of "I should be DOING something" can all work their way up to feelings of depression.

Balancing your activity levels is important for balancing your moods; even if you are on restricted activity, there are things you can do to help create balance in your day. My tips, based on my experience from the past few weeks:

1) Communicate with everyone in your household. Let them know what is going on with you, particularly schedule-wise. If you are put on medical restrictions and are out of work, temporarily disabled, or permanently disabled, make sure your family understands what that means--hey, make sure YOU understand what that means. Let your doctor do the diagnosing and the talking and explaining so you and your family are all on the same page and have the same idea of timeframe and activity level. Doing this will help you let go of feelings of stress and guilt that somehow you should be doing more; if you stick to exactly what you are allowed to do and feel up to, and your family has reasonable expectations, then you should not feel guilt.

2) If you are going through a period of inactivity due to a lull in work, being between projects or jobs, etc. then your first steps should be to communicate to the appropriate employment organizations to make sure they know you are looking for work. When I get downtime at work, the first thing I do is let my boss know that I have downtime and when I expect to get my next project in. By doing this, he can coordinate my time with the rest of the department and if someone else is swamped, I can lend a hand. Also, if there's truly no work, I've notified the appropriate authority of where I stand so I don't have to be worried that somehow I am goofing off. Everyone needs a break sometimes, too. Then, once I have communicated with my boss (or unemployment office, or temp agency, etc.) I can communicate with my family to let them know what my schedule is looking like and discuss ways to spend that time. It's okay to schedule some time just for you to do nothing, but my point here is too much nothing can be a bad thing, so communicating with family will help you plan your downtime so you can have a break but maintain forward momentum too. It's also so that people understand the impermanence of your situation--maybe you won't always be able to go out for an afternoon walk with the dogs, or pick up the kids from school, but right now you can, so you will. Keep the surprises and unpredictability to as low a level as you can, this will help you stick to routines and adapt them as needed and maintain the structure your family needs to function well.

3) If you need a rest, take only the rest you need. If you're on bed rest, find out exactly what activity is restricted and what is not and make a plan to fill your days with as much activity as you are permitted. If you can only get out of bed to shower and pee, make sure you get your shower and have someone bring the world to you! Keep a schedule. Include friends and family--bed rest can be isolating, medical restrictions on activity can be isolating, find ways to stay connected. Get a cordless phone and schedule an evening chat time with your best friend, sibling, whomever.
Connect the computer in your bedroom. Take an online class, do something creative, plan for a holiday. Find fun ways to take the monotony out of your day and ask for your friends and family to help. Set goals and meet them, you'd be surprised all the things you can do from bed.

4) If you're already depressed because you're out of work or sick, keeping a schedule is even more important. Schedule yourself for basic activities--wake up, take a shower, get dressed, make breakfast. The simple act of getting clean and putting on clothes makes it easier to make the next step to "pick up milk at the store. stop at library on the way. talk to neighbor." Work up to "get dressed" by first doing "wash clothes" if you must, but make sure you work on those basic daily functions because they set the foundation for your day.

5) Keep connected to yourself and your family. Make sure you're doing your minimum and check in with your family, job, or doctor if you are worried you aren't or if you feel you can do more. Benchmark your progress realistically and not through the distorted lenses of depression so you can accurately assess where you are, where you want or need to be, and how to get there. Some people need more activity than others and it's a fine line between active and overwhelmed. Constant assessing from day to day will help you keep your head above water or break the surface if you need to. Some days will be better than others, energy levels sometimes fluctuate, and that's ok. Just try to keep on track and you can make up and even out over a period of time.

He typically awakens before anyone in the house does. He usually gets up and plays with his trains or his monster trucks at the kitchen table or on the couch. We get up shortly after, make him breakfast ,and get him ready for school.

Today I was awakened not by his usual morning noise; sometimes he comes to wake me to tell me he's hungry, usually I hear him commentating a monster truck rally in the kitchen. Today was different, however. Today he was singing a song.

The song goes like this:

Another child is born
Another race is won
Another dream is shattered
Another day has begun

This world is still afloat
No not in Noah's boat
We've only lost the vision
Of the stars we're meant to be

Another broken heart
Another lesson learnt
Another harvest eaten
Another night is gone
A new day's begun
Even your dreams they can be real

This world is still afloat
No not in Noah's boat
We've only lost the vision
Of the stars we're meant to be

This world is still afloat
No not in Noah's boat
We've only lost the vision
Of the stars we're meant to be

This final verse is the one that he was singing when I awoke this morning. There is something nice about waking up to a new day with a three year old singing this at the top of his lungs:

This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope
This world is full of love
We still have hope

It's a Zero 7 song, called "This World." He likes it when I play it loud, and for him, I oblige. Some days it's tough to remember the good that surrounds us and the potential for love and hope in our lives. Today, I remembered.