September 15, 2006

Parent-centric Discussion

A lot of the "articles" I write here are very parent-centric. My feeling is that there is plenty of literature that teaches men and women how to tell if their child is sick, when to take them to the doctor, whether they should use cloth or disposable diapers, and how to discipline a toddler. There is less literature available that tells parents how normal they are to feel abnormal while they go through this phase of life.

So many men and women are taught about the beauty of raising a child that they are slapped in the face when the reality is that while it's true, raising a child is beautiful, it's by no means easy. It's not easy from the perspective of teaching your child to survive in this world, nor from the perspective of surviving your child's childhood.

Women aren't warned that breastfeeding, while totally natural, isn't something necessarily intuitive--it can be frustrating enough that many women don't give it a chance to work. Men aren't warned that love doesn't necessarily happen at first sight and it's okay to learn to love your newborn. Women aren't warned that they may be lonely and feel stifled staying home with their child; being a stay at home parent can be very isolating in this day and age. The ease with which we travel has caused families to drift over large distances, diffusing the natural support system a women would have had 200 years ago. We are surrounded by strangers and it's no wonder we feel alone.

When we have anxiety and depression and confusion surrounding what we've been taught is a blessed event, it only causes self-recrimination, shame, and increasing anxiety and depression that somehow we are deficient and it's not the way things should be. The more we open this dialogue, however, the more we will learn that so many of us share these same fears and feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

Mom, dad:

It's okay to want a break from your kid. You have years to love him and/or her, go see that movie you've been dying to see.

It's normal to feel lost and alone. Really. Even those put together moms and dads have moments of confusion and doubt.

It's normal to look at your newborn and not "get it." Love isn't always instantaneous but it doesn't mean you won't bond. It doesn't make you monstrous either, it makes you rather normal.

It's normal to want to rip out your hair over the sound of your baby crying. If mother nature hadn't programmed children to make the most irritating sound on the planet, you might be less inclined to go and check on your precious bundle. It's why mother nature made them so round and wide-eyed, so that even through your irritation, you will look at their faces and say "It's a good thing you're so fucking cute..."

It's normal for your child to turn two or three or four and for you to want to leave him or her to be raised by wolves. It is just not okay to act on it. Toddlers and preschoolers--it's their job to test boundaries and limits and to learn by doing, even if it's the most aggravating activity humanly possible. My son broke into the fridge once and cracked 13 eggs onto a plate he retrieved from the dishwasher. He put the shells down the drain and we had to pay our plumber to snake the drain. At first I was mortified and a little pissed and then I thought to myself "You know, that kid's actually pretty smart." He kept cracking the eggs because he couldn't figure out why they weren't coming out scrambled. He could have woken us (it was probably 6am and he was really stealthy) but he figured he could and would help himself. That's pretty smart, if kind of annoying.

No one's house is as clean as it looks. I know a slew of people just like me who post pictures of their kids or pets on the internet and crop out the mess, or strategically place the toddler in the one clean corner of the room. I'll fess up: I have two dogs and a cat. There are tumbleweeds of fur that blow through my living room and I sweep an okay amount. There's crayon on my kitchen windows and my bathroom needs a wash. We won't discuss the clutter hiding in the basement or the current state of the remodeling going on upstairs. Some people have help and if you can afford it, I think it's a great burden to get rid of. One of our biggest sources of stress is the mess and the neverending parade of laundry. If we had the money, I'd outsource that in a heartbeat. Absolutely.

The internet has given us an increasing amount of access to other people's living rooms, but it's also given us the capacity to skew the view. Many people appear more put together than they are because no one wants to "look bad" in front of friends. I propose more honesty in the parenting world. lunasdad is panicking right now about the mess our house is and I say, you know, we're having a toddler party tomorrow afternoon. Anyone who will be there has kids and understands it's a challenge to keep a clean house. Anyone who would judge us based on the neatness of a 3 year old's toys is not worth knowing. But I can't think of a person I know who would do that.

Learn to pick your battles. Prioritize the things that are important to you and remember that you are never as alone as you think or feel.

Posted by lunasmom at 9:47 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 4, 2006

My weekend

When we moved in to our house, the front of the house was a little more symmetrical, but generally very bland without much life. On either side of the stairs are two yew shrubs, then there was a eunoymus and a barberry (one on each side).

In the spring, I worked on the left, front of my house, adding some new plants, and changing the shape of the plant bed. I wanted it to look fuller and more vibrant. I left the right side alone, as it was a different kind of challenge and I wasn't up for it yet.

This weekend I decided I had to fix it, so I went out and bought some new plants to fill in the right side of the front of the house, and to add some life on the actual right side of the house.

Before I planted today, I moved some old stuff around. The plants were placed in such a way by the previous owners that they didn't make much sense for long-term growth and they didn't seem happy. I know I wasn't happy with them, as the space was very very dry and empty looking.

Then, I started putting plants in the ground:

I got several mum plants, and two of those cute bird statues.

Then, I planted coreopsis plants:


I bought four of those in total, two for the front of the house, and two for the side.

Behind everything, I added a trellis for some myrtle and what I think might be periwinkle:

I added a bushy hibiscus, with peach flowers. You can see it on the right in this picture, which shows the new right front of my house:

I bought two hibiscus, one for the front of the house, which is bushy, and one for the side that has been trained into a tree shape. This is the one I planted on the side:

The other two coreopsis plants are on either side of this plant.

The last plant I put in the ground is a kind of hibiscus called a Rose of Sharon and will be quite tall when it's done:

I purchased tulip bulbs, hyacinth bulbs, and some other random bulbs for spring. My plan is to plant bulbs whenever I need to get out of the house and away from my computer for a while. Over the course of September, I can just go dig in the dirt instead of mope.

I feel so good, and felt so good this whole weekend, even though I am tired and sore. Gardening is so restorative and yet so productive, as well.

Every mom needs a hobby, needs to get out of the house, and needs some physical exertion. I got all of those this weekend: I got to dig, pull, lift, carry, and walk around my property for two days straight; I spent an entire sunny day with my lovely neighbor, shooting the breeze, enjoying some time to feel like a woman and an adult; I spent two days in the sun doing something that will make my house more attractive. I met new people in the neighborhood and I discovered a deeper love of gardening and a new hobby.

Every parent needs an activity that they find rewarding that they do independent of their family. Parents who struggle with depression may find it more difficult to find these activities, but also likely need them more and find them just as, if not more, rewarding. Taking the first step is usually the hardest part. For me, I had to give myself permission to fail. I did the research, to find out how to give my plants a good chance of living, and then...I had to learn to be okay with the idea of the plants not thriving. This activity isn't about winning or failing, it's about spending some time with myself, learning something new, learning from other people sometimes (like my neighbor) and finding something outside of the family to share with other people. It's about personal enrichment independent of anyone else in the world, which is what builds self-esteem.

Doing independent things, especially things that scare you, are important to building self-confidence and esteem, a positive sense of self. I am clannish, I like to do things with my family and I tend to hibernate if they are not available. I've been working on pushing myself out of this habit, though. Volunteering at a local food co-op, the shelter, gardening, all independent of anyone else...these activities all work to foster my independence, a can-do/will-do attitude, and a sense of capability.

Many of us find that parenting leaves us without a sense of control, at least at times. Finding independent activities is a good way to create a sense of control and balance in life without going to th extremes, like developing OCD or eating disorders. I am learning to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms, like avoidance behaviors, with healthier, more productive alternatives. Gardening is one way for me to get everything I need in one place.

Take some time to cultivate your own "garden" and you will be astonished at the ways you grow.

Posted by lunasmom at 8:06 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack