January 23, 2007

Are optimists made or conceived?

I was reading another blog on management here (which references a question posed by this blog here). Interesting to note is that the question is posed in response to reading Kay Redfield Jamison's newest book "Exuberance" which I have not read. I will say that in general I have had several issues with the opinions of Ms. Jamison mostly because I think she brings a very strong opinion to the bipolar table, uses her status as an authority to speak as though all bipolar people have one voice, and that she speaks from the background of someone who is bipolar I, and does not adequately, in my opinion, address the issues faced by those of us with treatment resistant forms of bipolar disorder, like rapid cycling bipolar type II. That said! I thought it was an interesting question: Are optimists born or made?


I think optimism or pessimism is often defined by self-esteem and confidence. I think often by the end of adolescence our core sense of self is usually developed and with it our relative sense of self-esteem. However, if you work on issues in your life, and work to develop self-esteem you can sometimes overcome your environment, upbringing, genetics, and natural pessimism and transform yourself into a reflexive, if not necessarily "natural" optimist.

I am bipolar, I write a blog about bipolar parenting. I would not count my childhood as a happy one, and my adolescence could probably be characterized as "angry" or "tumultuous." My first year of college saw a complete breakdown of my ability to function without external stimuli to force my feet on a particular path and I cycled through moods wildly.

For a while I tried medication and it was determined that my form of bipolar disorder is medication resistant. I am very sensitive to drugs in general and could never manage to find the panacea to normality that some manic-depressives discover. I decided to stop the medications and make changes to my life instead, to try to learn to manage my cycles with mindfulness.

After a series of bad interpersonal relationships, I embarked on a self-help kick that started out as an effort to get out of the house more and get more exercise. I joined a martial arts class near my house. I had several crying jags in the middle of class that stymied my instructors, but the instructor in charge always said "let her work it out, she's got something to work out" and I did.

My instructors pointed out how I avoided eye contact; like a typical New Yorker, I walked with my head down and took eye contact like a wild animal, like a form of aggression. I was defensive, overly sensitive, hyperaware of body language, and I looked for the insult in everything. I had friends tell me that I picked up on things other people ignored in order to survive: eye rolls, facial expressions, little things other people glaze over, I stopped to pick apart and analyze, all in an effort to protect myself from harm.

With my instructors I worked on making eye contact--that simple exercise, of being forced to look someone in the eye while speaking made a huge difference in my life. I had no idea I had low self esteem, I was always a very loud and boisterous person. My instructors always picked me to speak to people at demonstrations, because they knew that talking to strangers set me outside of my comfort zone. They used me as the target in demos because they knew having all eyes on me was outside of my comfort zone. They forced me to analyze, acknowledge, and then challenge my comfort zone, every day.

I went from wanting other people to make all my decisions, to setting goals, real, attainable, measurable goals, in two years. I learned how to function in ways I didn't even realize were dysfunctional before. From no longer avoiding take out because I didn't want to have to give an order over the phone, to advocating for myself at work, to speaking up for myself in abusive situations...I had all unknowingly changed my perspective regarding my sense of self, and improved a self-esteem I didn't know was damaged, in the span of two years. I met my husband, have a family, go to school part-time (for free), and work full time. I negotiated with my job for the things I need to be happy and I GOT them. I went from quiet despair over my life and feeling out of control, to feeling empowered, capable, and yes, like maybe the glass is half full if you want to look at it that way.

Optimists can be made at any point in life if a person can identify and overcome the thought patterns that cause negativity. Some people never get there, some people don't want to. For a long time I thought happiness was a weakness but now I know it's absolutely a strength. It took me almost 15 years of work to get to a point in my life where I can say yes, I am an optimist and I think that's still in good time.

Posted by lunasmom at 7:23 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 1, 2007

Looking back, looking forward

Happy New Year to the three people who read this blog. The turn of the year has historically been a time of reflection and goal setting. We resolve to lose weight, be kinder, quit smoking...things we didn't accomplish in the previous year. Why is the new year so often a time of resolution?

Many people consider a new year a blank slate where they can forget about past mistakes and focus on their future. Many people need this type of marker in order to stimulate change, shake off inertia. If you're a person who can resolve to affect change in your life at any given time, this is a great talent that will serve you well, but if you're not then New Year's can be a great time to assess, reckon, and set new goals for the upcoming year.

Let's discuss goal-setting. Why do people set goals? Setting goals can help you improve productivity, reduce your stress and anxiety by channeling your energy into a plan of action, and improve your self-confidence. When you achieve goals, you grow happier, you grow more capable and self-sufficient, and the more your self-esteem will grow.

Goal-setting is a valuable skill, both in one's professional life but also in one's personal life. Parents should set goals to attain the things they need for their family's happiness and security. The goals can be physical, tangible things, or they can be intangible, such as resolving to communicate better as a family, find a method of positive discipline that works, or learning to be more accepting or open-minded. It can even be determining your own self-worth so that your family does not take advantage of you!

Categorizing your goals will help you break them down into manageable chunks and best determine a course of action for achieving them. Short-term goals are ones with a sense of urgency, typically must be achieved within a year's time, and can range in size from small to large. A short-term goal might be to find a new therapist or seek marriage counseling.

An intermediate goal, however, will take longer to achieve; for our purposes, let's say between one and five years. An intermediate goal might be to finish a college degree, or celebrate an anniversary of sobriety. Many goals that are immediately relevant to our lives will fall into this intermediate category, both personally and professionally.

Finally, long-term goals are often the hardest to plan for since they seem so far away and lack immediate relevance. Things like saving for retirement or college always feel like you have another year to put it off. Making plans now, however, will ease the anxiety of discovering you haven't planned well enough and help keep other goals in perspective. Do you need a flashy car with new rims now if it means you won't be able to afford a house in which to retire? Categorizing your goals will help you determine the best plan for achieving them.

Part of categorizing goals is determining whether they are smart goals.

http://www.topachievement.com/smart.html

SMART goals are:

Specific----Measurable----Attainable----Realistic----Tangible

"Specific - A specific goal has a much greater chance of being accomplished than a general goal. To set a specific goal you must answer the six "W" questions:

EXAMPLE: A general goal would be, "Get in shape." But a specific goal would say, "Join a health club and workout 3 days a week."

Measurable - Establish concrete criteria for measuring progress toward the attainment of each goal you set. When you measure your progress, you stay on track, reach your target dates, and experience the exhilaration of achievement that spurs you on to continued effort required to reach your goal.

To determine if your goal is measurable, ask questions such as......How much? How many? How will I know when it is accomplished?

Attainable - When you identify goals that are most important to you, you begin to figure out ways you can make them come true. You develop the attitudes, abilities, skills, and financial capacity to reach them. You begin seeing previously overlooked opportunities to bring yourself closer to the achievement of your goals.

You can attain most any goal you set when you plan your steps wisely and establish a time frame that allows you to carry out those steps. Goals that may have seemed far away and out of reach eventually move closer and become attainable, not because your goals shrink, but because you grow and expand to match them. When you list your goals you build your self-image. You see yourself as worthy of these goals, and develop the traits and personality that allow you to possess them.

Realistic - To be realistic, a goal must represent an objective toward which you are both willing and able to work. A goal can be both high and realistic; you are the only one who can decide just how high your goal should be. But be sure that every goal represents substantial progress. A high goal is frequently easier to reach than a low one because a low goal exerts low motivational force. Some of the hardest jobs you ever accomplished actually seem easy simply because they were a labor of love.

Your goal is probably realistic if you truly believe that it can be accomplished. Additional ways to know if your goal is realistic is to determine if you have accomplished anything similar in the past or ask yourself what conditions would have to exist to accomplish this goal.

Tangible - A goal is tangible when you can experience it with one of the senses, that is, taste, touch, smell, sight or hearing. When your goal is tangible, or when you tie an tangible goal to a intangible goal, you have a better chance of making it specific and measurable and thus attainable.

Intangible goals are your goals for the internal changes required to reach more tangible goals. They are the personality characteristics and the behavior patterns you must develop to pave the way to success in your career or for reaching some other long-term goal. Since intangible goals are vital for improving your effectiveness, give close attention to tangible ways for measuring them." (Meyer, 2006.)

Take a moment this New Year and write down some SMART goals. Then, determine whether they are short-term, intermediate, or long-term. Doing this will help you develop a long range plan for finding the success in your life.

Some cautions/guides:

Set deadlines! Each goal should be timed, not just tangible or tied to something tangible. When do you want to achieve this goal? Decide when you will start the task and decide when you will finish. (Kaplan, 2006.)

Have a variety of goals. It's important not to channel your efforts toward only one goal or one type of goal. The idea is to achieve balance between all aspects of your life over the span of your life, from those urgent items that need immediate attention to those nagging long-term goals that will affect your livelihood later on. Work on finding a positive work-life balance and self-family/relationship balance. (Kaplan, 2006.)

Make your goals your own! Having others set goals for you, even well-meaning people like your parents, spouse, or friends, means your goals are not truly your own. Making your own goals means you will be fully committed to achieving them. (Kaplan, 2006.)


References:
Top Achievement
Meyer, P. J. (2006.) "Creating S.M.A.R.T. Goals" Attitude Is Everything. Retrieved on January 1, 2007 from http://www.topachievement.com/smart.html

Kaplan University (2006.) "Goal Setting" Unit 3 handout from CS-113 Academic Strategies for Business

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December 21, 2006

Personal accountability in mental health

For the past couple of days I have been thinking of the issue of personal accountability in mental health. When we think of our emotional well-being, we probably often think of many factors--what our triggers are, our history, past experiences. How often do we think of the role we have played in our own emotional well-being?

It's often much easier to blame circumstance or other people for triggering the feelings that we have inside--the driver on the road who cuts you off because she's talking on her cell phone, or your narcissistic mother who contrives to ruin every holiday. How often do we take stock of our reactions to circumstance or other people?

Let's discuss self-sabotage for a moment. When we think of working out issues in therapy, for many people it often means untangling the lines of smudged boundaries and chaotic emotions, and in particular it often means working out interpersonal relationships. I have been in abusive relationships and my first inclination is to talk to my counselor about how poorly I was treated and to have my feelings of being wronged validated. There's another step in the recovery process though, and that step is acknowledging that I play a role in the abuse. If I refuse to set and maintain appropriate boundaries in my personal relationships, then in a sense I am not adequately protecting myself and continue a pattern of inviting toxicity into my life. If I change the cycle by erecting and defending those boundaries, then I have become an active participant in my emotional health by accepting personal accountability. If I continue to justify helplessness or rationalize it, I will continue in the cycle.

I can think of few people who would relish the thought of hashing out their own self-sabotage--it takes some courage, some internal strength, and some self-esteem to stop trying to protect yourself long enough to allow yourself to heal and grow. Defense mechanisms are probably one of the biggest walls between a person and healing. Some walls are good, they serve as boundaries to protect our intimate selves, but some walls are counter-productive and rather than protective, they are isolating, divisive.

Dealing with toxic inter-personal relationships is a riot of defenses, walls, gnarled coping mechanisms, ambivalence, fear, and denial. We often have several choices of paths to take towards personal progress. Accepting our own personal role in our mental health (anger management and depression come immediately to mind) is not always one of the first things we think of when we think of getting well, especially if we are battling with family or friends who seem to make everything our fault. It is, however, often a large contributing factor to the tangle.

In an effort to feel better, many of us push back on the world around us to try to avoid the toll on self-esteem that accompanies acknowledgment of a mistake. We make our problems someone else's fault, rationalize our behavior, and cite other people or circumstances as justification for our own errors in judgment. In this world, two wrongs make a right.

While in the moment it may feel like a relief to absolve oneself of guilt, in the long-run it may sabotage your long-term efforts to recover mental balance. If you continually suffer from depression and feel like you get nowhere in therapy, perhaps it's time to examine whether you are hitting a wall because you are denying yourself personal accountability for your own health. Sometimes sheltering yourself from the accountability really means sheltering yourself from personal truths, meaning that you never learn the lessons you need to learn in order to make progress and move forward in life.

Of course, avoiding self-sabotage doesn't mean owning other peoples' emotional baggage or problems. It's entirely possible that your mother is a narcissistic person who does truly ruin family events in which she participates. It's up to you to decide not to permit the opportunity, or not to respond in a way that maximizes the negative impact. It's possible to swing too far in the personal accountability category, owning everything, martyring oneself. I personally see this as an act of passive aggression most of the time, but sometimes it's a sign of severe lack of self esteem. Working through these issues with an open mind and the help of a qualified mental health professional is key.

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September 4, 2006

The Icarus Project

http://theicarusproject.net/

The Icarus Project is, from their web site:

"...a non-profit community based website, support network, and underground media project created by and for people struggling with bipolar disorder and other dangerous gifts that are commonly labeled as mental illnesses. We believe that when we learn to take care of ourselves, the intertwined threads of madness and creativity can be tools of inspiration and hope in a repressed and damaged world. Our goal is to help people like ourselves feel less alienated, and to allow us—both as individuals and as a community—to tap into the true potential that lies between brilliance and madness."

I am always wary, due to my own experience, of support groups and online forums where bipolar people congregate. While the support can be uplifting, talking about your unique issues with people who can understand your struggle on a fundamental and primal level, it is also possible to feed off negative or manic energy, or to lose site of yourself as a person, identifying too much as a disease.

That being said, I think this site is worth checking out. I am a believer in creative forms of expression as a form of therapy, both in sickness AND in health. While anything to extremes can turn into an unhealthy coping mechanism, all forms of art can be a wonderful catharsis. I like that it can be as public or personal as you desire.

This web site takes a look at that connection between "madness" and creativity, as is often discussed in bipolar literature. I thought you all might appreciate it. This is neither an endorsement nor condemnation of the site, it's just me passing along a little info.

lunasmom

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