The other day I was participating in an online pregnancy forum. There was a woman early in pregnancy who couldn't manage to quit her smoking addiction; she was reaching out to the community for help and advice. She mostly got it, but there were a few negative comments; in particular, one person gave her a hard time for it, criticizing her for not making this sacrifice for her unborn child. Judging her.

All I could think of were the cravings I have had with each of my pregnancies, even though I haven't smoked in over six years. I smoked cigarettes for many years; after many failed attempts, I managed to quit in 2000. With each of my pregnancies, one of my first trimester symptoms was an overwhelming craving for...cigarettes. I almost set out for a gas station at 2am with this pregnancy, before I realized I was pregnant, because the urge to smoke was so strong. Brain chemistry is a funky thing.

Hormones are strong chemicals and they affect us more than we know. With my pregnancies I have craved cigarettes, drugs I have never done in my life, and meat which I hadn't eaten in ten years. Not to mention all the sugary foods I never used to eat, like cake and cookies, because I never liked the taste or texture, or the tuna fish sandwiches I had for breakfast almost every day for a month.

During my first pregnancy, the hormones swung my moods into the realm of normal for the whole pregnancy. I was not only not the stereotypical moody pregnant woman, I felt almost cured of my bipolar disorder. This pregnancy has been the exact opposite, I haven't felt this unstable in almost 10 years. Some people feel that hormonal affects are exaggerated, that PMS is not really all that bad and that women play it up, either for slack or sympathy. Those of us with true mental health disorders may notice how real the affects of hormones can be, how strongly and quickly it can change you. When you are dealing with comorbid issues, like trying to kick an addiction, these hormones can sabotage every effort of what is already a very difficult process. To me, it is no wonder this woman is struggling.

The sacrifice comment got to me because it really reminded me that failure is inevitable. Every parent is human. For some people, this fact leads them to have more compassion for their own parents. For many it will inspire them to try harder, but the reality is that in some arena, at some time, we will ALL FAIL as parents. We will all make a wrong choice, we will all make mistakes, we will all have to back pedal and hey, that's what happens when these kids don't come one-size-fits-all and with a manual.

For those of us with serious depression or bipolar disorder, or anxiety disorder, it becomes not an issue of "won't" but an issue of CAN'T. What we have to try to do is remember a few key things. The world doesn't spin off its axis and fall out of orbit simply because we make a mistake. More often than not, we have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, learn from the error, commit to avoiding that outcome in the future, and FORGIVE and move on.

What is really important to remember is to never stop trying. "Can't" is often a temporary state of affairs. I like to qualify it with "... right now." Just because I can't right now, doesn't mean I couldn't tomorrow. Or the day after, so I try, and keep trying, and failing, and getting up and trying again until it sticks because it's been my experience that most of the time, it eventually sticks and "can't" becomes "can." When you're at the "can't" wall, it can be demoralizing to hear people accuse you of not loving your child and telling you all about how your life no longer matters, it's all about your child. Don't let "can't" turn into "won't" and your chance of success improves dramatically.

None of us strive, or should strive, to be selfish people and I bet that most of us feel that urge to put our child's needs above our own, but the opposite of selfish is not selfless. It is especially important not to lose yourself in your children when you are up against a manic or depressed tendency. MAINTAINING your self, your sense of self, will be what helps you make better decisions and take care of your responsibilities. Sometimes this means that you set boundaries that counter the immediate interests or desires of your child. It's all a part of long-term cost/benefit analysis.

The fact is that there will come a time in your life where you will find yourself unwilling or unable to sacrifice for your child or discover that your martyrdom served you ill and your children will not thank you for it, nor be improved by it.

The thing to remember as parents is to try. Always to try. The people who fail most are the people who refuse to acknowledge that they have a problem or the people who refuse help for it. If you reach out for help and continue to try (and fail) then really, you're doing the best you can and that's all that any of us can hope to do. Just try our best.