It's true: I know, in theory, what I need to do but I find that I still cannot manage to do it. Often, it's an issue of mental organization--at first the problem seems insurmountable or so complex that I cannot even figure out where to begin. I often complicate basic tasks or build them up in my head to be much larger than they are and cause myself an inordinate amount of stress. Then I go out of my way to escape my problems or chores.

One remedy for this build-up has been to write down exactly what task I must accomplish, breaking it down into a task list instead of an ominous amorphous heading on a piece of paper. I cannot make a list full of phrases like "cook dinner" because the concept of dinner is sometimes too complex for me to process without more detail. We often eat out because of this problem. Instead, on my list I write:

go to grocery store and buy whole, cut up chicken, lemon, broccoli, and rice
Start dinner at 5pm--baked lemon chicken with rice and steamed broccoli
5:45 pm, Start rice
6pm, steam broccoli
Dinner by 6:15pm!

If I don't break down the task "cook dinner" in this way, I will stare at the paper and wonder what I should cook for dinner and by the time I decide, I will realize I have no ingredients I need, it's too late to go to the store, damn, I've waited too long and now it's too late to cook, what can we get for takeout?

Because I am not familiar with these very simple domestic routines, I find them overwhelming because of their alienness. I am frustrated by my lack of know-how, by the lack of reflex. So many women just walk into the kitchen and cook dinner on schedule without giving it a second thought. I become paralyzed by my lack of basic habit and skill.

I had similar issues with my son when he became a toddler but was not yet verbal. I became frustrated with my lack of knowledge of what to do with a child his age and I often avoided activities because I felt lost and out of control, completely ignorant. This frustration and ignorance ultimately is what culminated in enrolling him in daycare, partly so that he could get the stimulation he needed, but partly also so that I could learn from his providers what THEY do to challenge, stimulate, and entertain these children, not to mention discipline and set boundaries.

If I don't know how to do something, I won't try it and this leads to avoidance, often on a grand scale. Long-term avoidance, for me, can lead to bigger issues like agoraphobia, where I can avoid something enough that I don't leave the house for a week, or I become stressed out by the idea of speaking to someone on the phone. My biggest foil for this issue is to find someone who knows how to do it and get them to teach me how to do it. The great thing about the online world is that you can find a teacher just about anywhere with a few clicks. If I can manage to feel capable, then the problem seems much smaller and surmountable.

I also find it helps to break one task into many smaller tasks so I can pinpoint exactly what it is that I find I cannot do or what it is I find so onerous so that I can find a way to fix my attitude about it. Often, one task is really five tasks and I can do four of them easily or quickly. It's usually one small piece that causes the grief.

The article really got me thinking about my habits and motivations and if you tend to suffer from some of these issues, and this is quite common among bipolar or depressed folks, I have noticed, then look into this topic.