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June 26, 2005
Modeling, learning, and expectations
Everyday I speak to a someone who feels as though she doesn't measure up. I have those days all the time; I look at another mother or wife or even women in magazines or on tv and says "Why can't I be more like _______." I hear mothers in droves asking each other about that mom. You know the one, she is well coiffed and sweet-smelling, in a cute set of size 6 capris, and just a hint of lip gloss. She is at the park with her darling children; she never forgets snacks, always has an extra sippy cup and a baby wipe ready. Her children leave the park with nary a fuss, and as they go the collective eyes narrow and we quietly think Good riddance.
We wonder how other parents manage to look so put together when we are barely ekeing by--tripping over toys on the carpet (which has become another arts and crafts casualty), wiping the mouth of a sippy cup on the hem of a shirt and pronouncing it "good enough" while quietly hoping to get a shower today. Some of us, probably too many of us, reek of desperation, the desperation of a parent whose limits are being stretched to breaking by children who are in a phase of challenging and testing. Too little sleep, too few breaks, and constant self-reprisal for not somehow being more.
The problem is the nagging guilt, the feeling that supermom makes the rest of us look bad. If she can do it, why can't we do it? The worry that our partner might notice and wonder the same. We spend our time measuring ourselves against someone else's yard stick and wondering why we continually come up short.
I go online to learn new things. Parenting is a whole new frontier to me and many other parents, wide open and scary, and sparsely populated with suspicious strangers. Eventually, in order to survive, we band together with others braving this new world and manage to get by. The problem with forging this new community, however, is meshing these differing sets of standards and abilities.
We allow ourselves to be exposed to new ideas and methodologies, for the sake of self-improvement and knowledge, while simultaneously fighting the internal battle of measuring ourselves against someone else's yardstick. It's a thin line between admiring someone else's techniques/philosophies and despairing over our perceived shortcomings as a result of exposure to these new philosophies and techniques.
The walk to the other side of the line is a short one. On one side, we can adapt the useful bits and pieces of someone else's experience to one's own life. The other side is forgetting to discard the information we can't use. That information lingers, in quiet recrimination, staring at us, causing us to shuffle our own feet and wonder "What is wrong with me?"
We can easily forget that we all have our own set of strengths and weaknesses that make us unique. That well-coiffed woman in the size 6 capris may have a failing marriage--or she may have decided that her priorities involve good grooming and attention to self, while giving up housekeeping. Some people have house cleaners, mother's helpers, nannies, extended family, older children to help out...and other women are just built and born to be mothers with unending stores of energy. We are all in such different situations and stages of life that to sit and compare ourselves to anyone else is really an exercise in futility.
Let me drive that home: we're different!
When you add something like bipolar disorder to the equation, it's even less productive to compare oneself to anyone else, including (or maybe especially?) another bipolar parent. I am learning in my life to measure myself against...myself. I am working towards trying not to measure myself at all. I don't have all the resources that some of my friends have--I am actually at a distinct disadvantage in many respects. I also know that I have many strengths that other parents don't have, and I am learning that we all do the same thing, work with our strengths and try to overcome our weaknesses as best we can. the results are obviously going to be different for different people, and that's OKAY.
Sure, there are tons of women who do it all--they run in the morning, before feeding and dressing their children, sending them off to school with personalized lunches, and then heading out to their own job. They may come home, prepare dinner for the house, run laundry, clean dishes and vacuum--all before bathtime. They may read their children five stories before bed, tuck them in, and then have some quiet quality time with their partner to have adult conversation about the state of the world. They go to bed, have mind blowing sex, enjoy blow jobs, and sleep the sleep of the righteous until they awaken refreshed in the morning.
Well good for those women, god bless and good luck to them. I am learning to give up the anxiety I have developed from trying to be one of those women. Even before I had a child, my ability to take care of myself completely came in fits and spurts. Some days I forget to eat lunch, many days I don't sleep well and have difficulty getting up in the morning. I'm late for work, I sniff my shirt before I put it on and say a silent thank you that I remembered to wear deodorant. I eyeball the growing mountain of laundry that will soon take on a soul and lash out at me and promise myself tonight. We do only what we can do. Some days it's more than other days. Celebrate the victories and let the setbacks galvanize you to try harder next time. There's no time, not enough energy, to wallow and lament that you are not that parent. Even that parent doesn't realize that they are that parent. As the saying goes, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.
Well, I have a saying of my own, and I am sure I didn't coin it myself, but if the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, then you aren't doing enough to take care of your own lawn. Worry about you, and then learn to love the weeds and that overgrown mint plant that just took over the northeast corner of the yard. It gives you character, and brims with life. It's beautiful to someone, I can guarantee it, and it would be beautiful to you too if you let it.
Posted by lunasmom at 7:35 PM | TrackBack
June 24, 2005
The Health Care Bureaucracy
I have to say it: the healthcare bureaucracy is a frustrating and painful system to navigate, and when you have an immediate need for medical care, it can be infuriating and downright depressing. it doesn't even matter whether it's mental health or general health, it has been my experience that preventative medicine is the best route to well being. Having to deal with a non-emergent problem without a support system in place can quickly escalate the problem to emergent proportions. Trying to setup the support system while dealing with the problem can send even the best of us over the edge.
It has been my experience across the board that finding a primary health care provider, getting urgent care...these all take time, a precious commodity in our world. Dentists--same problem. If you don't have an all-out crisis, you can expect to wait and suffer until an opening presents itself, and sometimes the waits are really not viable.
Mental health care can be the worst of the three--unless you are out on the ledge ready to jump, you can expect to wait weeks for an appointment with an intake worker before you can even set up an appointment to see the actual doctor. Many psychiatrists only perform medication management services these days, not therapy, so you will find yourself repeating this process with a counselor, social worker, or clinical psychologist. If you don't happen to be in the best frame of mind this daunting task can cross the line into overwhelming.
The good of this situation is that generally, if you have a true emergency, you can clear through some of the red tape. The problem is, of course, the limbo stage of well-being. You're not quite stable but not in-crisis, so what do you do in the meantime?
Honestly, i don't have a good answer. I have been frustrated on more than one occasion due to this very problem. Just the other day, I could sense a hypomanic episode about to blow up--I'd not slept a wink overnight, I could feel the increase in frenetic energy that usually heralds a manic flare. I am not in an established relationship with a local psychologist yet, so I called what I thought would be my next line of defense, only to be greatly and fantastically disappointed.
I called my general practitioner. i explained the situation to the RN at the office, and explained that I had no preexisting local support. I explained the way my episode would manifest, and explained that I thought I could head it off still if I could manage the contributing factors--the main of which was the sleep disruption. I figured a general practitioner would be able to help me stabilize myself until I could establish a relationship with a local psych doctor. In the past, I have effectively used low-doses of calming or sedating meds to help "sleep train" during periods of insomnia.
My GP refused to help in any way. She refused to intervene, she didn't even get on the phone. She certainly refused to write a prescription for even a mild sleep aid. i was devastated by her lack of action. the suggestion that I go to the emergency room filled me with anger--the ER should be for emergencies, for people in crisis. My entire intention was to AVOID crisis and it was mind-blowing to me that a doctor would refuse to help.
I am the first to say that a general practitioner is not qualified to diagnose psychiatric illnesses nor treat them long-term, however, I think it's appropriate that if no other avenue of support is available for a licensed doctor to intervene in an attempt to stabilize a patient until more qualified support can be found. I did not ask my doctor to try me on a course of mood stabilizers, I asked for one or two days worth of a sleep aid so that I could get over the insomnia hump that was feeding my manic energy. General practitioners have been sedating patients for centuries. Her refusal to participate at all left me dumbfounded.
i was clear to explain to the RN that I was not in crisis, and that I felt going to the ER would be an abuse of the system. She seemed to imply that I wait until I got bad enough to go to the ER because there was nothing else they could do. she gave me a referral to two psychiatric groups in my area that are affiliated with their office, but her referrals were to doctors who don't accept insurance AT ALL, even after I told her that I NEEDED to see a doctor in my network. Again, I was dumbfounded.
What can be done in a situation like this? Well first, I will be shopping around for a new general practitioner. While I might decide to keep the one I have because she is thorough on the physical help end, I would much rather have a general practitioner who is willing to work with me during times of stress rather than one who will wash her hands of me when I need a helping hand. Included in this desire is to find a doctor who is accessible, and not part of a larger machine that screens patients and never lets them speak to their caregiver directly.
The one thing that would have helped me immediately, and which has been helpful in the past, is to have the support I need set up ahead of time so that when cases such as this arise, I have qualified people to intervene in a timely fashion. i had that in Boston but have found it difficult to set up here in New Jersey; i allowed myself to become discourage and then set it on the backburner.
if you really want to help yourself, don't put setting up a local support system on the backburner. Find the motivation to advocate for yourself, to do the legwork to find the best doctors available, and then lay the groundwork so that you have the support you need when you need it.
Right now I have no psychiatric doctors at all, a general practitioner who frustrates me--I won't even go into my rececnt experience with an endodontist! i have effectively hobbled myself in terms of urgent care by not making it a priority to lay the foundation for an active and cooperative supportive network of caregivers to turn to in times of need.
i remember going through this in Boston too. I remember trying to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist and being told it would be weeks and even months before an appointment would become available. i made an offhand remark "What do you have to do to get help when you need it, jump off of a bridge?!" and suddenly, I had doctors calling me at home fearing the worst.
My point was that I was trying to prevent a crisis, but the problem is that I waited too long. Start early, before you ever have a need or have to worry about averting a crisis. don't feel bad interviewing a doctor and don't feel bad about advocating for yourself. Push as hard as you can for the earliest appointment available, make yourself available for a cancellation, call every day if you must. An ounce of prevention IS worth a pound of cure.
and don't let the machine get you down. I could have let myself feel defeated, and truth be told, I did for a while. But now, I just feel reinvigorated and motivated to get this done and take a more proactive hand in my own health. No one can advocate for me better than i can, and no one will take care of me if I don't take care of myself.
Posted by lunasmom at 9:27 PM | TrackBack
June 4, 2005
Holistic health
Why is it easier to take care of others and so difficult for some of us to care for ourselves? Every day I make our dogs a meal of pureed vegetables and fruits, yogurt, eggs, and a protein like ground hamburger. I puree the veggies myself, I separate the egg yolks from the egg whites and then cook the whites, so that the nutrients are more available and less apt to interfere with absorption of other nutrients. I took months to determine the nutritional needs of both of my dogs and I intend to do the same for the cats. I do this every day for them because I want them to have the best and longest life possible; the new diet is especially important for Sol, who suffers from early kidney failure due to a congenital problem.
Why is it so difficult for me to make myself a simple nutritious breakfast? If I have half an hour in the morning to blend veggies for the dogs, why can't I take two minutes to fix myself a breakfast that doesn't involve a cheese danish and a fried egg and bacon sandwich from a diner? "I don't have time!" is my second-favorite phrase whenever it comes to doing something for myself. My favorite phrase of all time is "We can't afford it."
I think that for the most part, it's an issue of motivation. I am motivated to prepare meals for my dogs because I know what is in commercial dog foods and because I need to have control over the nutritional content of what my dogs are eating, particularly Sol. I buy organic foods and nutritious snacks for my son because I don't want to add any more chemicals and preservatives to his diet than is truly necessary. He doesn't drink juice or eat candy, and for the most part I limit his sweets to some graham crackers and cinnamon cookies. He eats veggie burgers, antiobiotic free chicken nuggets that are baked and not fried. I want to reduce his risks for diabetes, impaired development, etc. while increasing his resistance to illness and disease. I am motivated because he is the single most precious "thing" in my life.
So much so that I will go through the McDonald's drive through to avoid having to get him out of his carseat. I'm a processed food junkie and stuff myself with more preservatives to keep my body in one piece for a century. i don't see my own health risks as enough motivation to take better care of myself, not yet anyway.
Without a holistic approach to better health, I definitely see setbacks, both mentall and physically. Even if you're religious about taking medication, be them psychopharm or otherwise, if you sabotage yourself in other ways, your health will suffer. Somehow, we must find the motivation to do for ourselves what we do for other people.
Structure can be helpful in overcoming motivational problems. If you're at the point where you are looking to find the motivation to take better care of yourself, then you should be able to initiate a structural system that will enable you to do so. What works for me:
1) identify the factors in the self-sabotage.
Example:
My biggest battle is in the kitchen. If I forget to defrost meat or don't have all the ingredients I need for the dish I have in mind, I will order take out. It sounds insane, but since I am the only one in the house who can cook more than a hot dog, if I don't feel up to cooking, we either don't eat or order out.
I finally recognized that the pressure of being the only cook makes me feel a little like avoiding the kitchen. I am quietly overwhelmed by being responsible for so many people, so I do as much as I have to and when it comes time to feed myself, I balk. In order to do better for myself, I have to find a way to "foil" the defeatist attitude; that means taking a proactive approach to something as simple as dinner.
2) Identify ways to eliminate factors inhibiting success.
The Foil--I make sure I always have basic staple items in the house to make a simple meal that will go with any protein. I buy frozen vegetables so I always have something available in the house (fresh produce will spoil or end up dog food). I buy several varieties of rice, oatmeal, granola, and pasta in bulk. I buy boxes of cereal, jars of pasta sauce, and I stock up on the seasonings I use regularly. I buy bottled water, so I don't drink soda instead of New Jersey tap water. I freeze meat and have learned to use the microwave to defrost.
It's easy to make one carb, one veggie, and one protein this way. I buy seasonal fruit, organic crackers so that when I need a snack, there's one available (and so that it's not a donut). Some fruit, instant oatmeal, or some yogurt with granola is my new breakfast and I try to schedule my meals, including several snacks.
3) Implement a simple, sustainable system.
The System--If I write it all down, I will know if I am missing any ingredients, i will not be beset by the question of what to eat when I am already hungry and I stand a better chance of eating healthier. When I am at home, I can avoid foods I shouldn't eat by not buying them or having them in the house. The real trouble begins on the road, or by making a simple process too complicated. If I can establish a good structure at home, I can bring the good structure with me on the road. Just as I carry a diaper bag full of things my son will need, including cups, snacks, and water, I can start to do the same for myself.
4) Enlist the assistance and support of your family and friends.
The system won't work, or work as well, if I do not have the cooperation of the people closest to me. I have to teach my system to those around me, both for their benefit as well as my own. lunasdad has learned not to bring home "gifts" for me that are unwitting elements of sabotage--no more donuts or candy because he knows I like them. he has learned to channel sweet expressions of affection into more productive ways--letting me sleep in, clearing my plate, etc.
At my job, my coworkers eat together at lunchtime. We have devised a system that allows for all systems--we can shop together at a local supermarket or restaurant for lunch, or we can all split up and pick up the lunch of our choice, meeting back at a central location to eat together. I can bring my lunch from home without disrupting the process and I still get to enjoy the company of friends. We also tend to choose healthier options as a group, but many of us have similar health concerns.
This is one example, because for me, it's probably my biggest struggle. You can make a system work for you, and it helps to take motivation out of the equation. If you make it simple and easy, it will be easy to follow--just as easy as drive through, because it takes all the guess work out of it for a minimal investment. If you eliminate the portion of the work that is mentally fatiguing, you will make the system work. you just have to find what will make it not fatiguing. My next battle will be adding exercise--the foil will be finding a way to make exercise fun and not work. if I can find a way to do it, then I know I will keep with it...it's just finding the sport that works for me.
My son has plagued me for the writing of this entire blog. it took me a moment to understand that he was looking for attention and that as much as I wanted this moment to myself to get one entire thought out, he needed me. I started to resent his antics until I realized that spending time with my son is not a chore--fighting his needs and desires is the chore.
Sometimes you have to take breaks from even thinking in order to do the things that really matter to you. As much as i was afraid of losing my train of thought, I was more afraid of losing my son to apathy.
Find your system, work your issues, but make time for the important things in life and don't fret if it sometimes interferes with what is going on in the now. I am going to go make some more time for the "Quiet Cricket" now. Be well.