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May 25, 2005

Bitter feeds bitter

Bitter feeds bitter.

Perky and cheerful people have gotten a bad rap in our current day. I don't know at what point it became fashionable to be cynical and jaded and when a positive attitude went out of style, but I am looking to bring it back into fashion.

Start a trend: smile at your neighbor today.

I am surrounded by New Yorkers who, as the saying goes, take eye contact as a sign of aggression. As a native NYer who spent some years away and has since returned to the area, I have had some time to gain a bit of perspective and objectivity. There is a survival mentality here that you don't see everywhere else, where people put their heads down and walk with quick determination. Woe betide anyone who gets in their way.

It's not a coldness of heart, though it is commonly mistaken for it. NYers are passionate and caring individuals, but as a clan, they can be...well...clannish. Realism leads them to pessimism, and while this is not always the case, it is common. I think NYers still see good in the world, but have come to expect the worst as a protection against disappointment and the horrors of everyday urban life--poverty, the homeless, crime, violence.

It's tough being around bitter people. Bitter begets bitter, and even the cheeriest person can have their optimism eroded by constant squalls of resentment, cynicism, bitterness, and passive aggression. I've taken note in the last couple of weeks, in my own personal interactions, that this is true. just as it is difficult to weather a depressive episode of your own, it's just as difficult to weather the episodes of others. When you're crowded together, as people in urban centers typically are, it's almost impossible to ignore the pressure of other peoples' misery. In smaller, closer environments, such as home, or a shared office, it's that much more difficult.

How do you keep your head when other people are losing theirs? How do you protect the stability of your own mood, in order to weather the instability of friends, family, neighbors without being negatively effected?

I struggle with this. Sometimes when lunasdad is in a bad mood, his bad mood becomes my bad mood. Despite my best defenses, despite my awareness of the transition, he and I are so close that it's difficult to ignore his distress and not own it. Resisting the urge to take ownership of someone else's misery is the key, however. Remembering that you cannot control anyone else's moods or happiness, or even your own but you can control how you act and react in situations which in turn can bring some stability to yourself. i am learning to resist the urge to ask him fifteen times "Are you OK?" because the answer is irrelevant. If he's having a bad day, I can't change it for him. I can be mindful of his possible distress, but I should be mindful of it everyday, with or without confirmation of it. Not owning his upset will go miles for maintaining my own mood.

It's difficult in work settings to apply this, sometimes more difficult than with people like lunasdad, with whom I have a tight relationship. Partly because of the lack of intimacy and the need for diplomacy and tact, and partly because someone else's mood can negatively effect my work even if I don't own their upset. So how do you maintain yourself when your work environment is tense?

First, there is sometimes recourse for remediation--because it's a professional environment, stricter standards of conduct apply. Talking to management about situations that are negatively effecting your ability to function at peak capacity is probably a good step.

My personal philosophy is to try as much as possible to be a part of the solution. If I am unhappy with something at work, I try not to complain about it -- I try to find a solution for it. Some things cannot be fixed at your own level, however. If talking to management doesn't help, or if management is a part of the problem, then you have to really assess the situation:

1) Is it likely to change in the near future? Far future? What factors need to come into play in order for the situation to change?

2) Can you live with the current status quo indefinitely? Long enough for change to make a difference?

3) Can you ignore it? Are you owning a problem that isn't yours to own? Or is it directly impacting your work or ability to perform your duties? Negatively impacting your personal emotional stability?

If it's negatively impacting your ability to work, or worse, your emotional stability, without any hope of change in a reasonable timeframe and without any recourse to change it on your own, then sometimes...you just have to move on. A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship, whether it's work or a friend or family. Rather than get embroiled in an ugly fight that will be counterproductive in the long run, it may be better to dust off the resume and set off for greener pastures. If you notice a pattern to this, or you frequently switch jobs, then you should examine your true motivations and maybe discuss with a counselor whether you are bringing unhealthy expectations as baggage in your professional/personal life.

in some circumstances, you may be forced to live under toxic conditions. You may have a neighbor who is creating needless strife, against whom you have no legal recourse, but with whom you cannot peacefully coexist. You may be unable or unwilling to move, in which case patience is a virtue will become your mantra. You will need to learn to ignore ignore ignore, turn the other cheek, not be baited or goaded, and to act with the utmost care for what is right versus what will feel good or deserved.

You NEVER *have* to do a thing. I have a brother who feels that he *must* defend his honor when he feels it's been slighted. I think he has a chip on his shoulder. The objective truth is that he has been in several bar fights due to his inability to walk away from inflammatory speech, ignore the words as just words and deprive them of their power. Instead, he buys into the power of the words and ends up dealing with the repercussions (sometimes with broken bones on all sides).

We all have choices. We must make decisions based on what we can live with. My brother can't live with another man calling him a pussy, apparently. I can. Increasing your tolerance for the bad behavior of others will help you increase your patience as a whole and your internal peace. I've worked to deprive words of their power over me. Words are just words. They have power only if you give them power.

Well, that's enough ruminating for one day.

Posted by lunasmom at 11:19 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 18, 2005

the grass is always greener on the other side

Raising children can be an overwhelming prospect. Some factors can make it even more overwhelming for some people, such as post-partum depression, single-parenting, Loss of a job, etc.

When my son was an infant I was constantly feeling overwhelmed by the task of raising him. Luckily, lunasdad had the option of working from home three days a week, and together we were able to make it work. When it came time to work, however, and our son showed us every sign that we were not meeting all his needs (he became destructive at home, appeared bored with the activities we tried to engage him in, jumped at opportunities to interact with total strangers), we didn't blink an eye about putting him in a daycare situation.

Daycare affords moms like me, who have a difficult time organizing everyday life tasks and who are sometimes paralyzed by the overwhelming amount of "stuff" that goes into raising a toddler, a way to meet the needs of their children with tools that we lack. I don't have the know-how to switch gears and find what my son needs, not every single time. I don't have a playground or indoor gym and I don't have 6 friends for him to play with. I don't really know how to properly engage him intellectually, to help him develop cognitive skills he will need in school and as an adult. When he's a little older, I will be a whiz with helping him navigate social issues, relationships with friends, and helping with homework. This age is a mystery to me, though. I have no experience and I don't have an extended network of experienced friends and family to help guide me. I simply lack some basic education, i don't have it internalized, and I don't have the resources on my own to overcome my shortcomings.

Daycare is a godsend to moms like me who see clearly that their children are lacking something but are powerless to help them on their own. It's a double edged sword, however. As I see how they manage at daycare, as I am away from my son for longer and longer periods of time, and as I catch up from the emotional and physical backlog of the previous 18 months, I begin to see how I COULD provide him with what he needs here at home. Working has revitalized me, it has helped stabilize me and provided me with much needed structure. Daycare is doing the same for my son. Now that I am in a different place emotionally, I am feeling the sadness that comes with separation.

My son cries now when we leave him at the daycare. Only for a few minutes, and in a way that is a totally normal stage of attachment. It doesn't make it any easier on me though. I find that I don't want to let him go. i want to take him to the park and the zoo and hug him and play all day. I ask myself what was so bad that I couldn't do this myself, and second guess my decision.

Then I remember: the lack of structure. The days we didn't get outside. The constant feeling of exhaustion and of needing a break. I remember now having no energy for basic tasks, much less enriching ones. I remember feeling desperate for adult interactions, feeling frustrated with the lack of resources for small children in my area, and being frustrated with the other SAHMs I had met. I remember my son trying to tell me what he needed and not being able to figure it out. I remember how he lashed out in frustration and boredom and how he reached out to everyone we met.

I didn't make the wrong decision, I made the best decision I could at the time. The situation will continue to evolve as my son develops language. We both needed some time to branch out and breathe and now we can come back together and be happy together without frustration. I enjoy my son a lot more now that I can see him as a little person and not with the frustration of a mother who can't figure out what he needs. A little distance has given me the perspective so that I am able to parent better, and make better assessments.

Every parent needs a break. Parents with disabilities or chronic illnesses need a break even more so. Parents with children who have disabilities or chronic illnesses need a break probably most of all. In a different time and place, I would probably have the support I needed to self-sustain. I would have had an involved community, an extended family, and friends and neighbors willing to lend a hand and help keep me from becoming overwhelmed. I don't have that, and in modern American society, many other parents don't have that.

So while I can look at my son wistfully and feel like I wasted my time with him, and think of all we could have done together, I have to remember that how I feel now isn't how I felt then. I'm not in survival mode anymore, I can breathe again, and that makes me a better parent. The needs of our children evolve over time and some of us have a harder time keeping up. Resources like daycare help us make up the deficit. My son is still loved, but now he is having his developmental needs continuing to be met, in a way I couldn't meet them.

Parenting is not easy. Raising children is not easy. Sometimes doing what is right for yourself and your children isn't easy. i want to be home with my son, but I know that at this point in time, he is better served by the wonderful teachers at his daycare and that right now, for myself, I need some time to do something that is personally enriching. The structure and interaction that I get from going into an office everyday is something that is so necessary for me. I'd like to build myself back up to a point where I am emotionally strong enough to go back into having another child and stay home with both of my children, maybe work part-time. Having the knowledge I have now, of the importance of structure and setting up that structure before you even come home from the hospital, is invaluable.

Playing catch up, as a bipolar mother, was nearly impossible with the ton of other responsibilities I had pressing down on me. I don't feel guilty, I just wish I had let go of the idea that leaving my son in daycare or needing to get back into a structured work environment somehow was wrong or bad. Wasting time wishing I had a friend or family to turn to for a break was just that--a waste of time. You cannot apply someone else's values, standards, or solutions to your own life. Sometimes, you can adapt them to fit you, but it's rare that someone else's life fits your own. I spent too much time caring about the women who would kill to be able to stay at home with their children and not enough time accepting the fact that for many women it doesn't work out. It doesn't make me a failure, it makes me realistic. I am being proactive by looking for help and resources.

Never let anyone make you feel bad about the decisions you make for your family. Do what you have to do as a parent. Your child comes first and let other people think or say whatever they want. They don't have to live in your shoes, you do.

Posted by lunasmom at 10:15 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

May 9, 2005

Manic upswing took me by surprise

Even when you're experienced, and pay attention, mood swings can take you by surprise. I have been awake since about 8am yesterday (it's 8:30am now). In hindsight, my spurt of productivity yesterday was probably a sign of a manic upswing. If I had any doubt, the night's insomnia and getting out of bed to the strong desire to clean the kitchen and go to the supermarket and stock up and cook a three course dinner has erased it.

Whether it's a manic upswing or a depressive downswing, there are things you can do to shorten the duration of the extreme mood and help yourself to even out. the one main tip that I have on surviving a mood swing is: don't feed the mood.

1) If you are suffering from insomnia, resist the urge to nap during the day or sleep when you finally feel able to at 8am. Eat a hearty breakfast (if you don't sleep, energy has to come from somewhere), go for a walk or do some time at the gym early in the day (NOT close to bed time). Set yourself up for sleeping success by not sabotaging yourself. If you sleep during the day, you will have a tougher time falling asleep at night. Stay up and then set a healthy bedtime when you know you will sleep through.

2) If you're sensitive to music and find that listening to different types of music can make you feel more depressed, or stay depressed longer, or that certain music makes you feel hyper (picture driving in the car to very fast music), then stay away from it. Listen to music that has no strong attachments for you, and if you are particularly sensitive to lyrical content, then stick to instrumental music only. Stay away from music before bed as it can exacerbate and not alleviate insomnia and other sleep disturbances (bad dreams, for example)

3) Read only if it's soothing and stay away from triggering content. I find it's more productive to stick to educational material (like "How-to" books or histories with no surprises) and stay away from highly charged fiction. It might be a good time to read some self-help material, and make up some lists of personal goals for yourself.

4) Write everything down and don't commit to anything important if you can avoid it. When i am manic i have a tendency to overcommit myself and become feverishly overwhelmed. When I am depressed, I sometimes commit to things on which I have no energy to follow-through. If you do make commitments, keep track of them and follow-through. It's a good idea to set up a calendar system with alerts and reminders to keep yourself on track whether you are depressed or manic. If you have a cell phone, many of them are equipped with extra features like alarm clocks. The sense of accomplishment from succeeding in a task can help depression, and the organized activity can help with mania. Just don't set yourself up to fail.

5) In general, set yourself up for success and not failure. Don't keep high-risk foods, drinks, or drugs in the house. Don't stay up late watching movies or listening to music. Don't skip meals and don't skip your medication. Make sure you have adequate refills before you need them and that you fill prescriptions in a timely fashion.. Mail order pharmacies may be helpful for maintenance medications because they often fill 3 months worth at a time and will renew automatically.Replace destructive thoughts, patterns, and activities with productive ones--you may need to work through an episode with your doctors, don't be afraid to call and schedule an extra appointment or work through an issue over the phone.

I am going to go take some of my own advice now and make myself a protein-rich healthy breakfast and plan out my day.

Posted by lunasmom at 7:24 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack