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March 18, 2005
Being proactive when I feel like crap
one more thing I wanted to add:
I wrote to a couple of organizational experts today to get information on their services and fees. Big step for me--we are living in chaos and have been trying to get organized and just can't seem to get there. Hopefully this will help.
when in doubt, outsource.
Posted by lunasmom at 7:26 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
triggers
In case you want to skip, I am moving the synopsis section to the front. Even though it was an obnoxious comment that prompted me to make the change, it was ultimately helpful because it led me to look at the page differently and adjust it to make it easier for my readers.
SYNOPSIS:
Learn what your triggers are and prevent them from happening--it's easier to prevent a depressive episode than to get out of one in progress. Mostly, it's long term preparation--bolstering confidence, combatting seasonal issues, maintaining good mental health habits. they are all things that strengthen your mental immune system and help you fight off depressive (or manic, or anxious) episodes. You can slowly desnsitize yourself to some triggers, but internal strength is really necessary for that.
You know, I really don't feel like writing this today, but I am pushing past my own lack of motivation and sense of discomfort because I know where it comes from and that I don't want to encourage that sort of inertia.
Let's talk about triggers. Triggers are things that can cause you to shift your mood, a catalyst that triggers a depressive (or manic) episode. It also relates to things like post traumatic stress responses. Think of the experiment with Pavlov's dog--a stimulus elicits a particular response. For some people, it's a learned response and for others it's a hardwired response and frequently, in all of us, there is a combination of the two.
A hardwired trigger, for me: as the season turns from winter to spring, I tend to get more irritable as my mood changes from a general low-grade depression to a sort of choppy manic one. The increase in natural light (as the days get longer) is a trigger for me and it happens on a level I don't even notice, in many respects. At least not at first. Since I know it is a trigger, I try to watch my calendar and make preparations, because it's predictable.
An environmental trigger is situational. For me, it could be some nasty person on Craigslist who hides behind a curtain of anonymity to shit on my day. Obvious attempts at getting my goat i can generally ignore, but when someone says something off-hand and yet sincere, it really chaps my cheeks and can sometimes trigger a mood swing. That's generally when I know I have been on the computer too long and go and take a physical break.
The other day, I had a series of people call me boring, longwinded, rambling, a know-it-all, dull, that I should be ashamed of myself for putting my son in daycare, that it's easy to meet the needs of an 18 month old with the strong implication that if I couldn't, then obviously I was somehow deficient. Even the strongest person starts to feel a little a) defensive and b) angry after listening to one comment after another. Clearly, I am not the strongest person in the world, though I certainly try to buck up when I must. I also don't shit down the throats of even people I don't like, and sure, there are people I don't like (and no, I won't name them; they likely know who they are).
The comments definitely triggered me. We can say all we want how they shouldn't, how I shouldn't let people I don't know get to me, and blah blah, yeah, okay, you know...we all know that even strangers on the street can get to us. Everyone has sensitivities, some of us have more than others. in a way, it's an environmental trigger, a situation that causes the response, but in a way they are all hardwired, at least for people with clinical issues like bipolar disorder. I am hardwired to be sensitive, so some things get under my skin and trigger the response. I guess it's all related.
What i can do is manage the situation so that I don't make it worse, and I can do some preventative maintenance by avoiding situations that I find triggering. I am also doing pretty well with sort of desnsitizing slowly--as I improve my self confidence, i find that I am able to take things less personally. I build confidence by doing things that make me feel good, by being with people that make me feel good, and by honestly assessing myself, good and the bad. So far, so good.
Anyway, responsibilities are calling. g'night folks
Posted by lunasmom at 6:56 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 14, 2005
what goes up must come down
i started this blog to sort of keep a record of my life at this point in time, but also to do my part to break down the cycle of shame and stigma associated with depression and mental illness.
It would be purpose defeating if I didn't talk about being symptomatic, but this evening I found myself not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to write about it, not wanting to talk to people, and certainly not wanting to share with the whole world.
I feel beat down by the world today. I'm tired, I'm surrounded by chaos...a bunch of things. I have a lot to be happy about, but I knew that eventually I would swing back to the depressed end of the spectrum. I just didn't realize it would be so difficult to talk about it.
I don't really have a lot to say, I'm struggling to pinpoint just what triggered my downswing. I think it's a combination of factors that I don't want to admit.
Well, I'll push it out there. I asked lunasdad to marry me the other day and he said yes. hooray. go me with the feminist power.
OK. But here's the thing. I really wanted him to ask me. I asked him because i got tired of waiting. I wanted a ring. I wanted a romantic engagement. I'd love to be able to afford a real wedding, even if I don't have many people to invite. But I know how much weddings cost, and I know how much engagement rings cost and I have a good head on my shoulders. These things aren't priorities in my life right now. I have been saying all along that I don't want a big wedding, and I don't because the cost is just unjustifiable. Lunasdad has been making noises about having a real wedding which was part of the reason he didn't want to get married for a while, because we couldn't have one.
I'd be content with a wedding band and a city hall wedding, but you know, I find that it's not something I can really get excited about. Another part I don't really want to write about is the fact that my best friend is getting married and she's having a beautiful wedding and i'm just really happy for her and really sad for myself. Not bitter jealous, just...sad. I would never be able to afford something as fine as what she's going to have and so in my extremist way my solution is to push for a totally untraditional wedding that won't be something one could compare even if you wanted to.
so wedding stuff is just depressing. We looked at engagement rings and it's just so not in the budget. I had to blink back the tears looking at the pricetags knowing that it's just not going to happen.
and I am okay with it. I know it sounds like I'm not, but I am. I have my priorities straight and I feel good about them. i know when I have a wedding band, the engagement ring will matter a hell of a lot less. but it's still sort of sad when I think about it.
just trying to keep it all in perspective.
ps, if you don't like my blog and you think it's boring, don't read it. Move on. I don't have the time or energy to kiss ass and suck up to make you like me. I don't care if you like me. I'm not talking to make friends.
Posted by lunasmom at 10:58 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Aging and bipolar disorder
I saw something on a tv show the other night that got me thinking.
There was a tv psychiatrist that said that our brains don't finish maturing until we are probably in our twenties. That children use a different part of their brains than adults do--we still think on an instinctive level for a while. that means that impulse control in children is not as prevalent because as young people we are hardwired to react to situations with our survival instincts, and not really to reason things out.
This idea made a little bit of sense to me, though i have no idea if any of it is factually accurate or not. It did make me stop and think. I definitely feel as though I am not as symptomatic as I was as a teenager. I do feel like I have better impulse control now than I did then. I feel like I am better at recognizing symptoms and triggers and at redirecting my energy before it turns into a full blown episode. In other words, i feel as though I manage my illness a lot better now, and with more insight, than I did as a kid.
however, it make me curious because I had also read that bipolar disorder is a progressive illness and that as i age, i will get worse, my symptoms will become more significant. So far, this has not been the case. It makes me wonder, though, about people who have degenerative mental illness and where it all goes wrong--is the hardwiring in our brains defective? Do we at some point never switch over from that instinctive portion of our brains to the reasoning portion? is there a physical change that occurs to the brain that causes things to malfunction?
I had a head MRI a couple of years ago which was part of a diagnostic to rule out epilepsy. The image was normal except for a little bit of asymmetry, I think it was in the hippocampus. The neurologist told me that it might account for migraines, but certainly ruled out epilepsy. But it got me thinking--who knows what that image means for me as a person with bipolar disorder. i am fascinated by those little pictures of my brain, what it tells us and how much it doesn't.
In any case, it's just something I was thinking about. Why am I not sicker? then i remembered the other part of what I had read. Bipolar disorder is a progressive disease and you get worse without treatment. TREATMENT. Therein lies the key. What constitutes treatment?
Usually when you are talking about bipolar disorder, treatment involves medication. If you don't take medication, then you are generally labeled non-compliant and I think that's unfair. I think treatment options have gotten broader as we encounter treatment resistent forms of depression and people who do not respond, or do not respond well, to the medications. I consider the lifestyle adjustments I have made, my accomdations for my illness, to be a form of treatment. I definitely am high functioning--I have a job in which I am very successful, I have a family, a loving partner, a beautiful child. I have good days and bad days, but the good outweigh the bad. In other words, i am stable and I do not see a negative progression of the disease.
Treatment can come in many forms and it doesn't have to be a pill. i was talking to a nice young lady the other day who is battling some tough issues surrounding having a baby when she wasn't ready and with little support. We've been going back and forth about the medication issue. I think there's a time and a place for it--just not in my life. I've given it a try, however, so I know how my body reacts to it. If there were a medication on the market that I knew I would not react poorly to, I would add it to my arsenal of treatments. but since that isn't the case right now, then my accomodations will have to do. Pills don't solve the problem but they can make it easier to claw your way out of a hole and effect lasting changes in your life.
Sometimes, though, all you need is a good night's sleep.
g'night!
SYNOPSIS:
If I am bipolar and bipolar disorder is a degenerative disease that will progressively worsen without treatment, then why is it that I do not feel as though I am sicker? The key is treatment. Treatment can mean many things and generally, I think if it leads you to a positive end, away from a self-destructive life, then it is a good thing. Medication is not for everyone, though it certainly has it's place. Consider all the ways you can treat yourself when determining how best to get your life under control. Sometimes, it just takes something small to make big changes in your life.
Posted by lunasmom at 12:07 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 9, 2005
Priorities, compromise, and parenting styles
What do you do when you run into a parenting conflict with your partner? Well, I guess the answer depends on the conflict.
When two people get together and have a kid that automatically gives them something in common for the rest of their lives and if they are good parents, the well being of their child will dictate their priorities for a while to come. it will dominate decisions on what jobs you take, where you live, what you eat, what you buy, and even with whom you associate.
Sometimes, however, our individuality overrides this commonality and our priorities skew. What do you do when your partner's idea of what is good and right don't match your own?
I will give you an example:
The other day, my son was sick. He was too sick to go into daycare and it was my day at the office. It was also lunasdad's day at the office, but because he has been at his job for a while, and he has more flexibility than I do at the moment, he stayed home to watch our sick son.
Score 1 for lunasdad for having terrific longsighted priorities--he understood that his son needed him and that me calling my new job and asking to work from home would be a Bad Idea.
Not too long after I arrived at my job, I receive a phone call from lunasdad. The baby is still sleeping, it's about 11am, should we wake him? The answer is debateable but we opted for waking him, as still being in bed isn't a terrific sign for our son. I told lunasdad to go ahead and wake him, wash him up, feed him breakfast, get his day started and see how he is.
I get a call back--the baby doesn't really want to be up; he's lethargic and a little disoriented. Now I am beginning to worry. "Take him to the hospital." "Okay" Hangs up and calls back "Should I give him some Tylenol?" Why would you give him Tylenol? He doesn't have a fever, he's lethargic.... "No. Did you feed him?" "No not yet" "Well, feed him."
Minus 1 for lunasdad--i told him to feed him right after waking him, and i did so for a reason. Our son had a previous incident of becoming ill and he was dehydrated and his blood sugar dropped so low that he had a seizure. The behavior lunasdad described on the phone was eerily similar to pre-seizure behavior, so upping his blood sugar should be priority one, along with making sure he is hydrated.
So I told him to go ahead and feed him while getting him ready to go to the hospital if necessary. At this point, I am being a little short with lunasdad because a) I am worried about my son and in no position to help and about a good hour away from home and b) because lunasdad ignored my initial advice which should have been a priority.
Once he'd eaten, our son perked up quite a bit, averting the need to go to the hospital. Terrific. i spoke to lunasdad again to get the news and to leave more instructions on what to pick up for him at the store for lunch, instructions on how often to feed him, and instructions to pick up the water with electrolytes since our son won't drink juice or gatorade or pedialyte. I felt pretty good.
Until I got home to:
Chef Boyardee Ravioli and Macaroni and Cheese (I am the queen of processed foods and have never seen mac and cheese in a CAN before), Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, a bag of cookies, a kit kat, and a bunch of bananas. No smart water. Our son was covered in dried banana, encrusted in snot to the extent that there is a thermal snap onesie that will never see the light of day again. He also hadn't been fed dinner and it was after 7pm.
lunasdad is not an asshole or a bad dad. He is a man trying to work from home at the same time he is trying to take care of a sick kid. He's trying to do it all, but skewing his priorities and feeling overwhelmed and underprepared. He didn't have enough time to make it to the supermarket, so he went to the nearest market for whatever convenient supplies they had available. Expedience took over. Concern about work took over. None of these are necessarily wrong...our son wasn't starving, he had plenty of snacks, but lunasdad's priorities are not what I would have chosen.
Coming home to the scene that I came home to was frustrating. Frustrating mostly because I am our son's primary caregiver. I make the decisions about what we buy at the supermarket, what brand of diapers he uses, I do the parenting research...wait a minute...i do all the decision making. I micromanage
oooo, minus 1 for lunasmom for micromanaging. All you control freak parents out there, read this section: if you micromanage you effectively take away your partner's ability to parent effectively on their own. They will never get it right because they will never do it quite the way that you do it. In a way it's sabotage. You are setting your partner up to be dependent on you to care for your children and taking away their ability to make independent decisions. Since you can't be there all the time, your partner will get into a situation where they have to make decisions on their own and necessarily, those decisions will be "wrong."
I think one of the first things people should do when they find out they are going to have a baby is sit down and talk about priorities and decision making. By making all the decisions about our son, I never gave lunasdad the opportunity to develop the skills to make good decisions on his own. If we had made those decisions together, it would have better equipped us both to work as a team. It's unfortunate, but frequently expedience takes over our good judgement--it was easier for lunasdad to let me do all the research, give him the synopsis, and then say yay or nay than to do concurrent research and make and informed decision together.
This sort of lopsided delegation of responsibility happens a lot in relationships and unsurprisingly, they frequently split along gender lines. How many uninvolved fathers with micromanaging partners do you know? How many controlling men with deferential partners do you know?
Now, I am a big advocate of delegating responsibility, but I also think that everyone in the house should be able to perform every job function as if it was their primary job function. just because it's my job, doesn't mean you shouldn't know how to do it and vice versa.
it's also really important to be explicit in what your priorities are and to make sure you are on the same page as a family. Sometimes lunasdad and i lose synchronicity and we have to reconnect and compare notes. It's not enough to prioritize once, you have to do it constantly and make temporary adjustments to allow for burnout and special circumstances. Priorities aren't always static, much to our chagrin. Lunasdad was obviously overwhelmed with the enormity of trying to perform his job duties while not only caring for a toddler, but caring for a sick and petulant one. With few options, he did what he had to do to get through the day and that's okay. i can compromise.
Compromise will be a theme in our lives as parents for the rest of our lives. I compromise when my in-laws feed Gerber Graduates finger foods to my son, even though I don't really want him eating processed food very often. in the grand scheme of things, it's better for them to be involved in my son's life and I am really happy to see they have taken a proactive interest in making their home comfortable for a small child. Eating a few processed cookies is not going to kill him whereas having an argument with my mother in law would be a dramatic scene.
Pick your battles. That's what I am learning right now, parenting is about picking your battles and drawing lines in the sand. Compromise is important but set within certain boundaries--I could excuse the spaghettios, but the fact that our son (who is prone to low blood sugar) hadn't been fed was a big problem for me and that is where I set my boundary. Lunasdad has boundaries as well and together we work within each other's boundaries to come up with viable compromise that works for our family.
i am reminded too that it's not just me and my son and what i want for him. We are a family. It's about me and lunasdad and our son and what is best for our family as a whole. it's trial and error, but we are working it all out. It's just a give and take, somethings work better than others, we experiment, learn from our experiences, and make necessary adjustments. That's life!
SYNOPSIS:
Parents have one thing in common for certain: their children. The decisions you make as parents will always be dominated by the wellbeing of the kids, at least until they are self-sufficient and out of the nest. Sometimes our priorities become skewed--when you have two high priorities that conflict, sometimes the wrong one wins out by default. What we do as parents is constantly reevaluate priorities, weigh them against each other, and form compromises that are in the best interests of the family. The biggest difference in parenting with a partner is that need for compromise and skewing priorities in favor of what is best for the family rather than what is best for the family in one person's opinion or what is best for the individual. Delegating responsibility can go too far when you remove yourself from the process or when you take over to such an extent that you remove your partner from the process. Moderation in delegation is key. Stopping yourself from micromanaging will help your partner in emergency situations and save you from the grief of having to hear fifteen hundred questions a day. Remember, you're a family now.
Posted by lunasmom at 11:01 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 8, 2005
To everyone who is struggling right now
[also reposted from CL]
there's no where to go but up? < lunasmom > 03/08 17:44:55
It's the funny thing about being at the bottom, usually things start to look up at some point. Little things, maybe, but those little things add up. A bad mark on your credit falls off your report. You pay something off. Your children tell you they love you. You see them happily playing with other children at daycare, or they are content with their sitter. Someone at work gives you a pat on the back.
Sometimes it takes bad things to act as a catalyst for change, too. I have been miserable working at a job where I was treated like crap but was too scared to try and find something better. then I got laid off and wondered "My god, how can it get any worse?" But it turned out that losing my job was the best thing to happen to me, it changed my career path, I didn't have to put up with waking up every morning and crying because I didn't want to go to work. Sometimes curses turn out to be blessings in disguise.
I am a firm believer that we are all at exactly the place we need to be at this very moment. The events in our lives add up to shape us into the people we are. Maybe if your credit wasn't messed up, you wouldn't have your kids, who knows how your life would be different. I really think that sometimes bad things happen to us because it's what we need to grow in order for good things to happen. Law of averages, everything evens out.
Cry. Crying is a good way to relieve tension. I'd give you a hug if I could, I have had days like that where I just felt like "please, god, let nothing else go wrong or i swear i will just shatter into a million pieces." They come and go, though. i guess my priorities change and my perspective changes as time passes.
Watch your kids sleep and think about all the things you are doing right for them. I am sure there are a million things that fall into that category.
it will pass.
SYNOPSIS:
Bad things happen to good people and usually they happen to make us stronger and cause us to grow. They suck at the time, but none of us would be where we are now without the experiences we have had in our lives, both good and bad. Eventually, things average out, just try to stay positive.
Posted by lunasmom at 11:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Since someone so *nicely* reminded me of my blog
I am reposting a post I made on CL, mostly so I have a record of it to refer back to for myself for future reference. That is mostly what this blog is, a live journal to which I can refer at some time in the future.
Parenting doesn't end with your kids < lunasmom > 03/08 16:32:02
Today I got in the mail a strange and unexpected package. I was expecting it to be a book I ordered, but when i looked at the return address, it had my best friend's last name...but not her address.
Intrigued, I opened it and inside were three books:
"Catch a Fish, Throw a Ball, Fly a Kite, 21 Timeless Skills Every Child Should Know (and any parent can teach)" by Jeffrey Lee
baby einstein "Great Minds Start Litte: A Guide for Parents" and
"The Toddler's Busy Book: 365 Creative Games and Activities to Keep Your 1.5 to 3 year-old Busy" by Trish Kuffner
Included with the books was a note:
"Dear [lunasmom], [lunasdad], & [the tank],
I hope you are all well and enjoying the winter. These books might provide some indoor activities and plans for warmer days.
Best wishes,"
and it was signed from my best friend's MOTHER!!
So there I stood in my elevator, sniveling and sniffling. it got me thinking--this woman isn't my mom, but she took the time to send me something she thought I would like as if I were her own daughter. When I found out I was pregnant, she was the first person to get truly, I mean truly excited for me.
Moms, you never know whose life you will touch just by being yourself and mothering whatever comes your way. I think it's a wonderful thing, to be generous of time and spirit, and to extend that to your community. My community is small, I don't have many friends, and we're a little spread out. But I am surrounded by such amazing and loving people and it comes at me from directions I don't expect.
I think we all impact each other in ways we don't even recognize all the time. This package made me want to rededicate myself to just trying to be a positive influence in the lives of people around me, even if I don't know them very well.
I stopped and had a chat with two of my neighbors today. I know both of them by name. One was here when I had my son and she pushed a card under our door to welcome our little bundle to the world and share our joy. Little things count, they make the difference between existing and living. Take a moment tomorrow and wave to a neighbor, even if you don't know them or sometimes they scowl. You never know.
SYNOPSIS:
Some people who post anonymously on Craigslist really need a hug, so if you are an anonymous grey poster and you feel like posting something bitter, here *hug*. This blog is mostly for my own future reference, and I share it with others because I think it might be helpful to hear "you are not alone." Get to know your neighbors, appreciate your friends, be a positive influence in the lives of people around you because you never know how something small you do or say will effect someone else's life.
Posted by lunasmom at 10:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
Pendulum is not an apt analogy
Not for parenting. Manic dperessives often relate their mood swings to the swinging of a pendulum, back and forth. But really, bipolar disorder is less a pendulum (although I guess it is when you aren't in treatment of some sort) and more like a teeter totter. At least in my experience. On the one side you have events that contribute to depression and related emotional downs. On the other, you have events that contribute to mania and related upswings. A lot of our time is spent trying to balance the beam. Some people use medication, some people try to moderate lifestyle, some of it is natural but ultimately the goal is to get the beam into equilibrium and alternately keep from flying off or crashing to the ground.
Balance is a big theme in my life. Because I have a mood disorder, I am constantly micromanaging myself to keep on top of my moods: how do I feel today, what can i do to nudge myself in the right direction. It's a self-centered existence in many respects. I think it's true of any illness that requires intervention; in order to manage it and keep it from degenerating and progressing, you have to be a bit self-involved. I think it's especially true in my situation because I have so many sensitivities to medication--traditional therapies are not currently an option, so I have to pay attention to details in order to nip bad patterns in the bud before they spiral out of control.
This self-centered existence is in direct opposition to my role as a mother. As a mother, I find that I have to constantly subjugate my own needs to that of my dependent child. Even if I am tired, hungry, need a shower, or have to pee, the needs of my son come first. Frequently what happens is that certain needs don't get met, which allows symptoms to creep in. I may stay in my pajamas longer and longer, skip a shower, or stay up into the wee hours of night to have some time to myself.
The problem is that these things leave me short-tempered, or lethargic and ultimately difficult to parent effectively. Balance is more important than ever as parents; it is especially important for parents who have a history of depression or psych disorders. The teeter totter is precarious for us--it doesn't take much to push it out of balance. Sometimes it's tough to get out of the self-absorption we are accustomed to--we become frustrated that the baby needs something again. Doesn't s/he know we are tired or hungry or on the pot? Or we go to the other extreme and are so busy sacrificing for the child that we neglect ourselves until we burnout and break down.
Some realizations I have come to about finding balance in my life:
1) First and foremost, if you have a partner then by gum, it's all about division of labor. If you can, have your partner take the night shift so you can get uninterrupted sleep even a few nights a week. Don't skip naptime even if it means housework doesn't get done--sleep is more important. Don't stay up into the wee hours of night; instead try to schedule a day or two of time to yourself to recharge. Staying up late to have time to yourself is self-sabotage.
2) It's okay to make the baby wait a little in order to satisfy a need of your own. Example, if you really have to pee, then go ahead and pee. No need to give yourself a UTI, your child will be okay waiting a minute for you to empty your bladder and that will allow you to interact patiently and without preoccupation. Ultimately, a parent with full attention on his or her child is better than a parent doing the pee pee dance silently willing the oatmeal to disappear.
3) If it can wait, though, then let it wait. Finishing one more chapter of "Her Heaving Bosom" can wait until after your child has had his or her diaper changed. Does it suck to be interrupted at the good part, yes it does, get used to it for the next 20 years. In the next few decades you will be interrupted a good deal, and frequently just as things get good. There will be time to pick up where you left off, however, and that is the compromise we make for our little cherubs.
4) No one likes a self-appointed martyr. Everyone needs to vent, but there's no need to turn life into a constant state of drama and hysteria either. I can tell you that if you can delegate and you don't, you have lost your right to complain about the work that you did. Find a way to delegate--if you have a partner, sit down and make a list of all the responsibility and then make a realistic chart of the distribution of labor. It may not be 50/50...it doesn't have to be. What it has to be is realistic, in terms of getting the jobs done, and fair, taking into account everyone's abilities as well as their preferences. I think compromise is not that difficult to achieve if you go into it realistically and thinking in terms of the family.
5) If you don't have a partner, find little ways to delegate. Start or join a babysitting co-op and trade childcare with other parents. If you can afford a sitter, then get one. Outsource laundry, order goods online...find ways to save not just money, but TIME and EFFORT. They are sanity savers and as such are priceless. Build it into your budget as a necessity. I'd go without cable in order to outsource my laundry, yes I would.
Find new and improved ways to achieve balance in your life. The old coping mechanisms may not work when you have children--I found that my entire way of approaching tasks is incompatible with motherhood and I have had to take a totally different perspective and approach to everyday things. Be open to possibility, communicate to helpers, and delegate baby, delegate.
SYNOPSIS:
A partnership is about sharing, and that means sharing the work. Split the load according to ability, to strengths, as well as preferences. Find compromise to meet everyone's needs best. Don't sacrifice yourself for your child--how can you take care of others if you haven't taken care of yourself? If it can wait, though, let it wait and attend to the needs of your child first. Balance what you WANT with what you NEED against what your CHILD wants and needs. I can tell you that if you can delegate and you don't, you have lost your right to complain about the work that you did. If you don't have a partner to delegate work to, find other ways to delegate, like outsourcing laundry. Sanity savers are priceless. Find new and improved ways to achieve balance in your life, as old coping mechanisms may be incompatible with your role as parent.
Posted by lunasmom at 10:04 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 3, 2005
Shoring up confidence
I go through periods of insecurity when I become convinced that there is no way in the world lunasdad could ever love me and I become sad because I think my son would rather be anywhere but with me.
I'm working on shoring up my own self-confidence and for the most part, motherhood has been good to me in that respect. As a mom, I find that I have to be more honest with myself. This is not to say that I never lie to myself, because I am sure I do, but I feel like I have less time and energy for the drama associated with various insecurities.
My son came home from daycare yesterday after spending the full day there. He only just started and goes twice a week so he can play with other kids and run around in the gym or in the playground, all things I cannot provide for him on my own at his age in our location. Before we left to go to daycare in the morning, lunasdad left for work. He came back in because he forgot to install the carseat in my car (and we can't go anywhere if it's in HIS car) and our son was SO EXCITED to see him.
I just about burst into tears. I never get that reaction. When I drop him off at daycare, he doesn't even notice I have left. When I pick him up or he comes home with dad, as he did last night, I try to get a hug and tell him hello and he won't have it. He's already on to playing in the living room.
Yesterday was a low--I was feeling extremely ill, and lunasdad was tired. We were all a bit grumpy, but having my son turn away from me when I really wanted a hug was just a big hurt.
Then I thought about it. Really thought about it. How honest am I with myself? Do I really think my son doesn't love me? Of course he does. When I tuck him in at night, I rub his back and tell him I love him. I stroke his face and rub his back until he falls asleep or until I know he will be okay with me leaving the room. As I rub his back he says "mama" and I say "yes pumpkin?" He will say "mama" over and over to which I always reply in a way that lets him know I hear him and I love him. He says it with such content, and then I feel silly for ever thinking that my family would be happy without me or didn't need me.
Kids will take you for granted. I guess it is something we had all better start getting used to. I am a constant fixture in my son's everyday life. He is a confident, independent little boy. He's intrepid and strong, that's why I call him the tank. I have raised him this way.
Some of it is just his personality, I am sure. He's very active and doesn't have the time or inclination to waste his day snuggling in my lap, even if it makes me sad. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or need me. It means I have given him the skills to so far cope with the world. He checks in with me periodically, but he doesn't need to hang onto me and he wants to do everything for himself. He's not scared of the world.
I try to take strength and bolster my confidence with the knowledge that I am doing something right for him, even with the million little things I do wrong. I am learning not to tie my confidence with inappropriate ideas of what true affection means. My son will climb to the top of something and look at me with pride and excitement. That's my recognition. He takes me for granted, and right now that is okay. I can be okay with that.
SYNOPSIS:
Kids will take us for granted for the rest of their lives, we had better get used to it. Don't tie up your sense of self-worth in open displays of affection from your children--learn to find the true affection in their everyday life and dealings with you. Take being taken for granted as a compliment--your children feel safe with you, confident and sure. Never doubt that your children love you (even if when they are older they don't agree with you or like things you do or decisions you make).
Posted by lunasmom at 8:38 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 2, 2005
Surviving the loss of a child
A friend of mine had a loss in her family yesterday that made me really unbelievably sad. Her sister's boyfriend had a son who was a very sick little boy and he passed away in the morning.
Grief is an aspect of depression I failed to consider when I originally thought about this blog. But it's a crippling, if often temporary, aspect of mental health. At some point, we will all lose someone we know or someone we love. It's human nature, the inevitablility of our own mortality.
How do you deal with grief? In particular, how do you deal with grieving over the loss of a child? In talking to my friend, all I could think of was my own son; I don't know if I could recover from losing him.
Back in December my son got really sick. He got so sick he had a seizure and we had to take him to the hospital, where he stayed for four days. We couldn't keep him hydrated or keep his blood sugar values up and everything he ate came right back out. But when he had his seizure, we didn't expect it at all--he didn't have a fever or anything, and we didn't get any warning. He just was looking at the cat one moment and the next, he had dropped to the floor.
When I went to look at him he was blue, unresponsive. His eyes were open but they weren't blinking and he was breathing in shuddering gasps. I felt my heart stop for a moment because as I looked at my son, I thought each breath was his last, I thought for a moment that he must be dead because he looked like death.
Luckily, it was only a seizure and when I realized what was happening, we got moving and brought him to the hospital. He also snapped out of it fairly quickly. But at that moment, I knew what a dead child looked like and it was horrible. Just the most horrifying moment of my life and I honestly don't know how anyone gets over that realization that their child is dead.
When death occurs, it can take you by surprise even if it happens after lingering illness. No matter how much you prepare, you are never quite ready when it happens. In the best case scenario, you will be surrounded by loved ones to help you share the burden of your loss. But if you find yourself alone, you may need to seek out help.
There are grief counselors, support groups for pet loss as well as losing a loved human. There are ways not to be alone and even if you might want to be alone, and not really talk about it, you have to push past it and talk to someone. No need to get into deep detail about your feelings, but just be around other people and tell them "I lost someone I loved and it hurts."
Not everyone will know what to say or how to act. It doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they don't have the tools to help you. It's okay to tell people you don't want to talk about it, but don't want to be alone either. It's okay to talk about it with some people and not with others. Some days may be better than others and you may function for a while and then break down again. Personally, I think it's all okay. Just don't withdraw. Try to find ways to disperse the grief without compressing it into a ball and shoving it deep down inside yourself. Internalizing stress and grief is a surefire way to make yourself sick later on.
Unfortunately, that's the voice of experience.
SYNOPSIS:
Grief is a debilitating, though often temporary, relative of depression. It manifests in different ways in different people. Though different, they may all be healthy expressions of grief. Some warning signs of unhealthy expressions of grief are withdrawal from daily life, not addressing the grief, pretending that it didn't happen, or grieving for excessively long periods of time (signalling true depression). Internalizing grief can make it worse in the long run and more difficult to treat. It's also a good way to make yourself sick. You don't need to be superman, and you don't need to share your feelings with the world, but you should find a way to vocalize your grief and find support.
Posted by lunasmom at 11:58 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 1, 2005
Guns in the house--always a hot topic
I have seen this topic come up a few times, do you keep firearms in your house? If you do, how do you keep them, do your children know you have them, and do you tell other parents that you do?
If you don't, do you ask other parents if they do before your child visits at their house? Would you allow your child to play in a home where there were guns in the house? That last question is really for any parent, whether they have guns in the house of their own or not.
Many parents are divided on the subject of gun control, guns in the home, and guns in the homes of their childrens' playmates. There is an added element of caution for those of us who have a history of depression and whether we keep firearms or allow our children to play in homes where they might be kept.
Personally, I am a little torn on this. My father kept a gun in the house when I was a child, for personal protection. When I was 14 I had my first major depressive episode and I went looking for it--luckily, I never found it. If my parents had been more irresponsible about keeping weapons in the house, my life might have ended that day. For this reason, I don't own a firearm. The risks of making available a quick and final route to self-annihilation are far too great.
When I discovered that my diagnosis would bar me from legally purchasing and obtaining a permit for a firearm in many places, I was a little angry. I have eventually come to understand that I would rather give up a little of my civil liberty in order to protect someone else's child from a person who is a lot sicker than I am. The laws are made for a reason, and one which I can understand, and while I feel it stigmatizes us more, I do think in many respects, it is warranted.
It will also bar me from active military service and some government work. When I worked for the a government contractor, I had to go through a background check that included questions about my psychiatric history. The security personnel never contacted my parents, my neighbors, or my friends...but they did contact my doctor. While I was eventually cleared, it signficantly delayed my security clearance. But again, you can never tell just how sick someone is by just looking at them. It sucks for me, but I understand.
I am keenly aware that no matter how much I may teach my children about guns, they will express a natural curiosity about them. My brother is in the Marine Corps. My father and one of his brothers was in the Marines, two of my maternal uncles were in the Army. My father's brother died in Vietnam and my brother was injured in Iraq. I know that war is something my son will ask about and that people in my life will discuss. I also know that sometimes children don't see past the bravado of a soldier's life and that they are affected by portrayals of them as heroic on tv and in movies. Guns are everywhere and in some social circles guns are glorified. Accidents happen and the consequences are too great for me to fail to do my best to protect my son. Another reason I don't keep one in the house.
I also don't keep one because I don't think it's an effective method of self-defense in most cases. I have two large dogs to sound the alarm, I have a phone, and I have martial arts training. If those do not combine to create a situation where violence is prevented or avoided or averted, then frankly, I think it's too late for a gun. In the time it would take to unlock a gunsafe, put together the gun, load it, etc. (all things you would do to responsibly keep a gun in the house with children) it would be too late and the damage would be done.
I am also keenly aware that there is a high probability that my son will suffer from depression in his life. High because of my own bipolar disorder. I think back to my time in high school and I resolve to be more of a parent than my own parents were, to be involved, and to not let my son suffer in silence. But I think about the day I went looking for my father's gun and I know the real reason I will never keep a gun in the house.
Now, does that mean if my son's playmates have parents who keep guns then he won't be allowed to play with them? Not necessarily. Guns that are properly stored can be ok in the house. But I would want to know, because I want to be the judge of whether they are properly stored. It's a question I would definitely ask another parent. I would have a problem with a parent who left hunting rifles in a cabinet that could be opened, for instance, by curious playful adolescent boys. Guns should be lincsened to the person keeping it, the proper permits should be in order, they should be locked and unloaded and preferably the ammunition should be stored in a different location than the firearm. If a parent doesn't agree to allow me to inspect how they keep a firearm, then my son won't play at their house. I can respect privacy but not at my son's expense. If I don't like how the gun is stored, same deal. It doesn't mean the children must be penalized and can never consort with each other, but it does mean that I have the right to say to my son "I don't want you to play over there and here's why."
I do worry. There is so much violence in our schools, and will be so much violence in my son's life. I want to do everything I can to avert a preventable disaster.
SYNOPSIS:
Gun control is an issue that effects each of us as parents as well as citizens. Those of us who suffer from depression or manic depression may have added worries and responsibilities and restrictions where guns are concerned. There is an added dimension when you have a child who is depressed or may become depressed or when the gun is in the home of a friend where you cannot regulate it. Guns are everywhere in the media, sometimes demonized and sometimes glorified. All we can do is work to protect our children while educating them about the dangers associated with keeping and handling a firearm and the consequences of discharging it. Don't own a gun, or own one responsibly. A bit of forethought can go a long way.
Posted by lunasmom at 6:06 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack