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February 28, 2005

Recovering from failure

or, When Good Parenting Goes Bad.

I think we all have an idea of the parents we would like to be. The techniques we want to use. I bet most of us would like to be calm and cool with our kids, reason through problems, be firm but just and never lose our tempers.

Well, reality check, people--none of us is Mary Poppins on a stick. Since I only have myself as an example, let me talk about my aspirations vs. reality.

Aspiration Reality
Never yell A kid can push your buttons like no one else in the world. Good anger management will help you get through tantrums, hands in the diaper, poop in your hair, etc. but I think every parent has their danger threshold. My mother only ever hit me once and the only time she did, she hit me with what she had in her hand (a broom) and didn't give me more than a quick knock on my noggin. BUT, she did it because she had just had to deal with the cops arriving at the door, looking for the parent in charge because they had received worried phone calls about a child leaning out of the window of a six story building. That would be me, leaning out OVER the child gate so I could wave to the little old ladies in their lawn chairs downstairs. Needless to say, it was probably the most dangerous thing I could do as a six-year old and I obviously hit mom's threshold for danger and stupid.
Never spank See previous story and comments about threshold and never say never. I'm hoping I can squeak through, but when your child is in danger and it's the finger in a socket or a slap on the hand...who knows how I or any of us will respond.

I don't think there is any question as to whether we, as parents, will slip up and go against our better judgment and against our own values where our children are concerned. At some point or another, I think every parent finds themselves channeling some parent of years past, saying "Because I said so," "Because I am the father, and what I say goes," "Do as a I say, not as I do," or even "You wanna cry? I'll give you a reason to cry." Children test the limits of our patience and endurance and by the end of the day it's really a matter of who is in better shape.

I think that the real question is how do you recover from these moments of failure? Today, I screamed at everyone. The dog ate my dinner, the baby stomped on the dog intentionally and swung a toy lawnmower at him. I don't want to be a shrew and if it is one thing I wish I had in more abundant supply, it's patience patience patience. So as I sat in the bathroom with my head in my hands, trying to ignore the fact that my son was tossing toys out of the tub and intentionally splashing water onto me and the floor, I thought about what to do when you lose it.

I'd like to say "I learned my lesson, it will never happen again, and we all lived happily ever after!" But let's face it, my son is just entering his terrible twos stage, and he has too many tantrums, fits of temper, and is a little too swipey at my face for me to maintain my cool all of the time. The trick is to not go over the top in reacting, getting over the anger of the moment quickly, defusing the situation, and making forward progress.

Beating yourself up about it isn't productive and won't change the past. What is more productive is defusing the situation--I'll put my son in his crib and walk away, closing all doors behind me. He may be screaming, but he's not going to be injured and I need a moment to collect myself. The farther from the pterodactyl screaming, the better. I try to think of what is causing the situation "He's sick, his ears hurt, he's tired, and he's hungry and he generally feels lousy. You know he needs to have the eye drops, he doesn't understand that." Then I ask myself "rather than imposing your will, what can you do to help him be a willing participant, or at least reconcile quickly?" Sometimes this means finding ways to distract him while I do something he doesn't like (such as washing his face), or giving him a cookie while I finish making lunch. Sometimes it just means I make empathetic noises while he cries because it has to be done and there's no nice way to do it (like eye drops, I just have to pry his eyes open). I always try to give him a lot of praise, even if he didn't really cooperate, just so he realizes I understand it sucks but it's not punishment, it's a necessary evil.

Sometimes I just have to move on and forgive myself. I've done things like muscle my way through a diaper change or getting his shoelaces tied, mostly out of a sense of hurriedness. Could I have done something to make him more cooperative, probably, but in the heat of the moment I just wanted it to be done so we could get going. Hindsight will show me what I could have done to make it less painful for everyone, and I just try to say "Well, I will try to remember that for next time." I don't always saucceed, but I do succeed enough to make a difference to me.

I know in the back of my head that an occasional outburst isn't going to kill my kid or scar him for life. There are a ton of productive adults walking around the world who were products of a corporal punishment household and they are ok (and some of them are a mess, which is why I don't advocate it or want it in my parenting arsenal). But I am aware that every outburst does a bit of damage. I don't just mean that I am making my kid unhappy, but just even in terms of failing at being the kind of parent I want to be. Every outburst is a setback in my parenting process. It damages my self-confidence. I want to be an organic mom with well adjusted children who know right from wrong. But I can't reason with a 17 month old kid and am frequently at a loss as to how to be a positive discipline parent. In an abstract way I know what I want for my son, but I wasn't raised that way so it's trial and error. Finding forgiveness when I deviate from the type of parenting values I have for myself is tough.

The only thing that really helps is learning from past mistakes and taking it slow. I know I am not super mom, but I just have to remember that I am doing the best I can, will continue to do the best I can, and that next time I will do better. Tomorrow is a new day.

SYNOPSIS:
Identifying triggers, heading off problem behavior before it hits a threshold, redirecting negative energy, and defusing volatile situations when they occur are all methods of coping with stressful and challenging moments in parenting. No one is perfect, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't try to be. It just means when you mess up, you have to get up, dust yourself off, make your apologies, forgive, and get back in the saddle.

Posted by lunasmom at 9:42 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

In a hole, la la la

In particular, I am in a housekeeping hole. I have gotten to a point where there is just nothing else to do but buckle down and take care of business, but it's just so overwhelming to think about it.

We have way too much stuff, I have way too little energy, and I am silently very bitter about having to live with wall-to-wall carpet and a dog with bouts of urinary incontinence. See my problem?

Avoidance behavior, it's what happens when you have something challenging to do that is going to be painful or tedious to accomplish and you would certainly rather do something else. Sometimes it's simple procrastination and sometimes it's debilitating, where you might sleep at inappropriate times to avoid responsibility, that sort of thing.

I really want a clean house but I want it to just be clean, I don't want to go through the muckity muck to get there because it is an overwhelming amount of work to do. I have never lived in such disorganized clutter and it's really bringing me down.

What I did right is that I tackled one big issue--the carpet. If you don't advocate for yourself, no one else will (unless you are lucky or well-represented). I went to the property manager of my apartment building (who loves my dogs, in particular the one who is sick). I explained to her about his kidney problem and the big problem of inappropriate urination in the house. Then I explained the obvious difficulty of cleaning up the mess with carpet.

They agreed that it was not good flooring for a sick dog, especially not with a baby in the hosue, and so they are going to replace it for us! Probably some kind of engineered floor (preferably not something cheap like linoleum, but if I can mop it, it will be better than carpet!)

Score one for lunasmom. In the meantime, I am working on motivation.

SYNOPSIS:
Housework sucks and it can quickly get out of control and overwhelm you. Sometimes if you ask for help from unlikely sources, you can get the help you need. Chip chip chip away and eventually you'll chop down that tree.

Posted by lunasmom at 5:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 27, 2005

Let's talk about PMS

Because I am feeling like a raging bitch today and I finally caught on that that is what it is.

PMS for me is an excruciating monthly ordeal. Today, I wanted to strangle people in the check out line at the store. There were these high school aged girls standing behind me in line. Well, I use the word "Behind" loosely because that would imply that there was somehow more than 2 inches distance between us. I had to stifle a very strong urge to round on those girls and say "Were you not breastfed as children?? GET OFF MY LEFT TIT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. Take two steps back."

Girls, if I can smell your deodorant, you're too close. If I can feel your hair on my back you're too close, and if I can't stand behind my own fucking shopping cart YOU'RE TOO GODDAMNED CLOSE. Jiminy Cricket, I was engulfed by this group of girls who were having a horrifying conversation of which I wanted no part (ask me why a pet store dog the "size of a DVD" is on the list of things that make my skin crawl, just don't ask me today). Literally engulfed, one was directly behind me, one was behind to my right and one was directly to my left.

I am sorry but that's just too fucking close for comfort. If I can reach out and touch you, I can reach out and slap you.

So, back to PMS. I have no answers for you ladies who suffer with PMS or PMDD. It is the one aspect of my mental health that I have had absolutely no luck gaining any shred of control over. I just try to catch it and then lock myself away from society for a week until it's over because I seriously need a chill pill. Nothing has ever helped, including strong medications.

I hate it. I truly do. It makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I feel hostile, agitated, and very short tempered. I don't want to be one of those women whose family avoids her, tip toeing around waiting to be raged against. I don't want to be that woman!!

My menstrual cycles are irregular so my PMS is unpredictable. The only tiny bit of success I did have, actually, was when I trained in martial arts, that did seem to even out my hormones, since this is definitely hormone related.

I long for days of pregnancy, when I spent the whole time feeling like I wanted to put flowers in my hair, wear long flowy dresses, run around in a meadow barefoot and hug total strangers. Now I just try not to be the next headline on the 11 o'clock news.

Something to work on, I suppose.

SYNOPSIS:
Beware of the raging bitch with PMS at Target.

Posted by lunasmom at 12:20 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 26, 2005

The story of my diagnosis

In April 1996 I was diagnosed as Type 2 bipolar with mixed features. I am an ultra-rapid cycler. What this all means is that I am manic depressive but I do not suffer from psychotic breaks or true manic episodes. I tend to have cycles of what is called hypomania, which is a less severe form of mania. Generally it means I can get a little hyper, impulsive, agitated, irritable, and hostile. I tend to make poor decisions when I am hypomanic, usually involving relationships and money.

Having mixed features means that I can be manic and depressed simultaneously, which sounds like an oxymoron but isn't. I can be feeling like nothing interests me, kind of sad, and tired while at the same time be irritable and agitated. It makes for a cagey tiger type of effect. I don't want to go out and do anything, but I can't sit still either. I am lonely, but I don't actually want people to talk to me.

Being a rapid cycler means I am generally not in a cycle for long, I can have several marked mood swings in a month (or even in a day if I am truly careless with my health). Ultra rapid cyclers do not always respond well to medication, so my particular manifestation of bipolar disorder is difficult to treat with meds.

I was originally diagnosed in college as clinically depressed (or, unipolar). I was prescribed an antidepressant (the SSRI zoloft) and handed a sample. Taking the medication was not a problem the first day, but by the second day I was getting a little shaky and by the third day I was cartwheeling to the infirmary in a full blown manic-episode.

People who live with bipolar disorder cannot take anti-depressant medication "unopposed" meaning I can't take zoloft without a mood-stabilizer. For people with type 1 manic depression the first line of mood-stabilizer is usually Lithium and it's what most people are familiar with. Many type II bipolar folks do not respond to Lithium and are frequently prescribed Depakote (depakene, sodium valproate). Eventually, that is what happened to me.

I had intolerable side effects on Depakote. I gained about 70 lbs within 6 months, I was stuck in a low-grade depression, I developed terrible acid reflux, and the clincher was I developed a terrible tremor. I was unable to sign my own name on a credit card receipt.

The doctor started to formulate a med "cocktail" for me. A mood stabilizer to keep me grounded, an antidepressant to keep me from bottoming out, an anti-anxiety to cure the nervousness, and he also wanted to give me a medication for the tremor.

No matter how high the dose of depakote, we discovered I could not take SSRI drugs AT ALL. My experience with Prozac was nothing short of frightening and I would never, could never, recommend it to anyone who suspects that they might have a history of serious mental illness in their family. Ever.

All in all, I have been on ten medications:

After this I just decided to completely detox and let my body get back to a normal and predictable cycle. By adjusting my diet, sleep patterns, and activity level I was able to keep myself fairly even tempered. The birth of my son was the big change that has sent me back into cycling, and grappling with PPD, but I have not been taking care of myself the way I should in order to remain even tempered. I know what I have to do, I just have to get up and do it.

SYNOPSIS:
lunasmom is bipolar II with mixed features and ultra rapid cycling. She was diagnosed in 1996, and after trying 10 different medications with little to no success at mood stabilization, she found stability in lifestyle changes and complete detox. She now grapples with instability brought on by a major life change, the birth of her son. Like many women, she also suffers from PPD along with her regular cycles of manic depression.

Posted by lunasmom at 12:55 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

Formal introduction

I guess I never took the time to formally introduce myself. You can call me lunasmom. It's funny, what began as a craigslist handle I offhandedly chose when I began posting in the Pets Forum, has slowly become part of how I think of myself. Luna is one of my dogs, my first dog. She is a German Shepherd, Labrador Retriever, and Chow Chow mixed breed dog we adopted from a rescue in Long Island, NY.

But, let me back up. That's me in the banner of the page. I grew up in NY, moved to Boston to go to college, dropped out of college twice before moving to NJ to be with lunasdad. Somewhere in there I did a short stint in Rhode Island, which didn't agree with me.

Lunasdad is not my husband. He is my domestic partner, and I love him dearly, but we aren't married. We will eventually get married, but someone wants a big wedding and I will give you a hint, it's not me. I'm pushing for Vegas, personally.

We met in Florida on a martial arts training retreat. I lived in MA at the time and he lived in NJ. After the weeklong trip ended we both flew back to our homes. I called my mother and told her I had met the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I don't think I would call it love at first sight, but it was pretty darn close.

So close that we both threw caution to the wind and consummated our relationship soon after returning home. Which brings our story to the section on "the tank." The tank is my nickname for our son. The kid is the off-road vehicle of children, he just ploughs through things and runs over them. He is unstoppable and very little fazes him. Despite all odds, the tank was conceived. It only took one round of unprotected sex for him to come into existence, even though my fertility was considered questionable. Plan B? Better have a Plan C, because ours is now almost 18 months old and talking.

Once we knew I was pregnant, I was okay with it. I was at a good point in my life emotionally, I was stable, and even though I knew it meant I would probably have to put off my studies again, it felt right. I decided I would be okay with or without lunasdad, though luckily I never had to test that theory. As freaked as I am sure he was, I don't think it ever occurred to him to leave and we had both agreed (the one responsible thing we did) before ever getting intimately involved that if I were to ever get pregnant, that we would not consider abortion as an option. Note, this does not make me anti-choice, it just means that it wasn't on the table for me because it just didn't feel necessary.

But, before the tank came into our lives, Luna came into our lives. We adopted Luna when I was about five months pregnant, maybe six months pregnant. She was a gremlin puppy, a terror. She has blossomed into a beautiful dog who is not without issues. She inspired my craigslist handle when I wrote in asking for advice on taming the wild beast she was.

So baby made five, because I already had a cat named Wynnie. That makes lunasmom, lunasdad, luna, the tank, and Wynnie. But wait there's more!

Sol is our other dog. We adopted him about a year after we adopted Luna, as an "adult" dog of one year. Sol was recently diagnosed with early stage renal insufficiency. We brought him in for exhaustive testing after being unable to fully housebreak him. I gave it a shot but when the problem worsened, I knew it wasn't behavioral.

Sol is not our only special needs animal. We currently have three cats with feline leuekemia virus. Two are from a litter of five I rescued last June. One is probably from the same mother, but a younger litter. We also had his sister, but she was laid to rest yesterday afternoon after she also came up FeLV positive and was becoming more and more undpredictably and extremely aggressive. So, the two older black cats are Salsa and Chili. You can read their story on the above linked blog. Zucchini (who we euthanized yesterday) and Succotash were the siblings from a different litter.

So we have a full house, and I am way overextended. We are on the waiting list to get Salsa and Chili into a sanctuary in Long Island, as the original rescue that took Dijon is coping with massive overflow from a cruelty case--they recently took in about 20+ cats with FeLV and just don't have room.

So, I take care of a lot of animals, as well as my son. I work part-time as a desktop publisher and have my own business on the side which currently brings in zero dollars but makes me feel good anyway.

SYNOPSIS
lunasmom lives in NJ with her domestic partner, lunasdad, their son and six animals. Of the six, only three are currently pets the rest are rescue animals available for adoption. She works part-time as a desktop publisher, and full time as a caregiver to her large brood.

Posted by lunasmom at 12:28 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 25, 2005

thinking about post-partum depression

If you don't have time to read the entire passage, you can skip to the synopsis at the end. I have a tendency to be pedantic and longwinded, so I am instituting a cheat sheet at the end of my entries for the ADD parents among us.

It's come up a lot lately in conversations with some of my peers. A big theme I have noticed is how to recognize that you are depressed.

Depression doesn't have to be a suicidal haze of sadness, where you feel like life can't go on. Depression manifests in a multitude of sneaky ways and I have found that as I get older that the manifestations are less tempestuous and explosive and more insidious. Depression coils its tendrils around various pieces of my insides, making it harder to move and act. I feel tired a lot, I find that it takes too much energy to go to perform basic maintenance tasks like going to the grocery store, doing dishes, washing clothes. I am irritable when my peace is interrupted, including being on the computer or laying on the couch, even if I knew ahead of time that the interruption would occur. I resent having to work and find myself spending more and more time in avoidance activities like napping at inappropriate moments or spending a lot of time on the computer. I don't want to hang out with my friends, but I feel lonely and bored. I'm bored because things that I used to find fun now seem like a chore.

I think this emotional fatigue is amplified in parents because being selfless is part of the job description. We are expected to think of ourselves last and think of our children first. Kids are needy, they are exhausting and they take over your life. There can be a silent rebellion where you fight to have a piece of your life back, where you get to just vegetate and be you and not have to cater to someone else's needs and whims. I resented my son for being hungry because I was tired and wanted to sleep.

Finding a balance between being a person and being a parent is definitely a challenge. I love my son with all my being, but staying home with him 24 hours a day was throwing my life out of balance. I wasn't sleeping enough, I was eating (and still eat) junk and I frequently feel like after I have taken care of him, I don't have the energy for anything else. There must be a better way.

I am sure there are a ton of things I could do to make things easier. Our house is chaos. We don't have a schedule or a discernable routine. We don't don't nip things in the bud, we wait for them to take over--like the dishes. They become an emergency and then turn into a priority, but if we just took a bit more effort they wouldn't take over the kitchen. Same with the laundry, if we could just get down to maintenance levels, we'd be okay, but we are constantly battling the tower of laundry and losing. Instead of coming up with a working game plan for avoiding these situations, we are constantly just putting out the fires and telling ourselves we just don't have the time.

Of course we don't have the time, we're too busy putting out 35 fires to have time. A little better planning would significantly reduce the "emergencies," but it's a catch-22. If I had energy, I could implement time-saving strategies, but since I'm stuck in a cycle of crisis, I never have the energy to help myself.

Well, let me pose this question, how do you get out of a rut? For me, it usually takes an impending disaster to kick myself into gear or certain criteria must be met. For example, maintenance needs to come to our apartment and inspect the pipes for leaks. This usually results in frenetic panicked activity. "In-laws" seems to have a similar effect. The other scenario is that I must be completely alone in order to work--that means I make a plan with my partner that he is going to take the tyke out for the day, usually to visit with his parents, so that I can stay home and overhaul the apartment. For some reason, I have a block on cleaning our home when other people are there, and worse, if they try to help. If you want to see my crankypants, fold a shirt the wrong way and put it in a drawer wrinkled. OR be in the kitchen trying to feed the dogs while I am trying to wash dishes. I can't help it, having people around when I try to clean is a hindrance and it agitates me. I have always been that way.

I am a list-maker and a planner and when I take the time to do this for myself, I have great success. When you have a redwood standing in your living room, you can't always just chop it down in one fell swoop. You have to come at it from different angles, and slowly chip away. It's like that when you fall behind in work or chores. Make small steps.

If you want to see some positive change, you have to set yourself up to succeed. Don't make a huge list and give up when you only cross off one item. Example, make a list of all you need to do, then break it down into manageable chunks. I have 100lbs of laundry and thinking about it makes me very tired. I could flog myself when it doesn't all get done in a day, or I could task myself with washing three loads--one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one at night. The only catch is that I can't take clean laundry out and leave it somewhere when I put more clothes in the dryer. Before I add more clothes to the dryer, I have to fold and put away what came out. It works!

I am also a big fan of delegating responsibility. If someone else can do the same task, then let them do it! Save yourself for the tasks only you can do and be honest with yourself about what "only you" means. Example, call a laundromat that offers a cleaning service and give them every stitch of clothes you own--just do this once to catch up and get out of the laundry pit, the money is worth it in mental health savings--then start a maintenance routine. Do one load of laundry a day but the catch is that you have to do it completely, no leaving clean clothes piled up somewhere, it all has to be done at once.

For someone who takes their clothes to a laundromat I have this advice--find the people who wash it for you and let them wash it every time. You're already paying to use the washer and dryer and if you think of your time as money, you are saving money by not spending five hours in the laundromat folding and washing. It's not much more expensive to let the service wash your clothes and they come back ready to be put away, reducing the mental fatigue involved. Dry clean or handwash items you are worried about having ruined. Then use your energy better somewhere else. Your mental health is worth a lot more than $0.75 per lb.

SYNOPSIS

Depression manifests in a multitude of sneaky ways. You don't have to want to die to be depressed, you could just feel blah. Sometimes people feel angry, irritable, hostile, or agitated and this can be part of depression too.

Caregiving is exhausting and consuming; sometimes you want to rebel and avoid responsibility because you are tired of caregiving. Avoidance can be part of depression.

Finding balance between caring for others and caring for oneself is challenging, but necessary. Work smarter, not harder, to accomplish this. Don't self-sabotage and set yourself up to succeed. Make plans, but distribute labor in manageable chunks of time and resources. Set up the environment however you need it to be in order to succeed.

Handling crises burns more energy than simply maintaining things so they never get to crisis level. Don't wait until something becomes an emergency in order to make it a priority. Plan, don't react.

Finally, DELEGATE, baby, DELEGATE. If you have the choice to do something yourself or have someone else do it, let someone else do it. You free yourself up to do something only YOU can do. Don't fret about saving money because chances are, you break out even and you can't put a price tag on sanity.

Posted by lunasmom at 10:57 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

February 22, 2005

So much depression abounds

I originally posted this on the Parenting Forum on Craigslist. I am reposting it here as my first blog entry because it inspired me to keep a blog in the first place. The original posting may be read here:

http://forums.craigslist.org/?ID=24725558

Original Posting:
---------------------------
I noticed a spike in the depression posts and wanted to remind people that as the season changes from winter to spring, and the days get longer, we all go into a state of transition.

Some people have a tough time with this transition; frequently, these are the same people who get stuck in the winter blahs or suffer from SAD or who find their clinical depression gets worse in the winter.

For me, there are two major transitions to a year: The first occurs around the Mid-February/Mid-March and the other occurs around Mid-October/Mid-November.

The shift from fall to winter is generally not that bad, but the switch from winter to spring is somehow a more violent and turbulent one. Instead of becoming more quiet and introspective, and sort of melancholy (coming down off a summer high), I find that I am having more days of irritability, feelings of impatience and hostility, spikes of depression mixed with spikes of manic behavior. Eventually, I know it will begin to even out as the level of light starts to match warm weather and outdoor activities, but in the meantime it's a rough go.

The best suggestions I can give to people having a hard time right now are the following:

1) Get out into as much natural sunlight as you can right now. Walk before breakfast even if it's just to the coffeeshop for a bagel or muffin.

2) Increase your daytime exercise and if you can manage it, do it outside. The natural light combined with the exercise will help the moods to even out and the depression to fade out.

3) Do not make any big life altering decisions if you can avoid it. I'm not talking about Mercury being in retrograde, I am talking about being in the right frame of mind to accurately assess your life and make sound decisions. Every big job change in my life occurred in March until I recognized the pattern--I no longer quit jobs in March or make major decisions like that until I know my mood has stabilized. This ALSO goes for relationships. I try to avoid stormy breakups during this season.

4) Pamper yourself--take care of your diet, make sure you get enough sleep, and make sure you take some time to smell the roses.

5) Explain to family members and friends that you're going through a rough patch but that you know it's not permanent. Lean on them for support if you can, but don't forget to appreciate what they do. I am lucky that lunasdad is a good observer--he caught the beginning of this year's grumpies before I did. I let him know that it's a regular pattern and has an end in sight and apologized for being restless, agitated, and sharp with him. He is able to be more patient knowing that I don't mean to be bitchy, it's just a kind of growing pain.

Hug your kids. I swear it is a wonderdrug.

And for people with treatment resistent depression--they make advances as time passes and even though there may be little that you can tangibly do in the now, sometimes it's the smallest battles that matter the most. Remembering to think positive whenever you can, telling yourself it won't always be this way, and taking strength and solace from wherever it is offered can make a difference in your day, even if it's just a little difference. If you do it enough, you may be able to change your mindset just a little to make life more bearable. Keep strong!

be well,
lunasmom

Posted by lunasmom at 1:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack